


A Thousand Letters

by pandorasv13



Series: Fireworks [2]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Character Death, Love Letters, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-09
Updated: 2013-08-08
Packaged: 2017-12-22 21:03:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 30
Words: 37,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/917992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorasv13/pseuds/pandorasv13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I could write you a thousand letters, and you still wouldn’t reply…right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Year-Long Gap

 

 

Words only go so far.

Ryeowook tossed another travel worn, unopened letter into an overflowing bin. Every morning and night, he would find himself blankly staring at them, curious as to what was written inside. But then he remembered why it shouldn’t matter what was written in them.

Those words were lies. Those feelings were false.

It seemed like everyone was like that. He glanced at the calendar, wondering when he should start applying for the abroad program. Was it even worth going?

He flopped down on his bed, closing his eyes and forcing sleep onto himself.

 

***

 

Kyuhyun looked around his single person dorm room and wondered if he was thankful or not. Even if Zhoumi was an ass, he was company. Now there was simply no one around. He stared at the pile of paper on his desk and the pen which was beginning to die from excessive writing. No matter what he did, it just wouldn’t work, would it?

Sitting down on the bay window sill, he sighed. Only a month had passed since everything ended and he couldn’t even begin to think about a lifetime without ever talking to Ryeowook again.

The bell around his neck rattled, and he wondered if the matching pair had already been thrown away.

 

***

 

Donghae jolted awake, head whipping around the room wildly. There was no one around in the early morning, nor was there even a flicker of a shadow on the pale blue pools of light staining the carpet. He bit back the pain invading his chest, and tried to shake off the bitterness.

It wasn’t like him to be so broken down. Emotions always ran rampant inside of him, but this was different. He couldn’t stop thinking about his mistakes. Were they even mistakes? He didn’t know. This was what he wanted, so why couldn’t he go even one day without hearing those words.

_Thank you for taking care of me this long. I truly appreciate it. Goodbye, hyung._

“What did you look like when you said that?” Donghae muttered, curling into himself quietly.

 

***

 

Henry stared at the school building, a queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was large and intimidating to say the least. There were no similarities to the Korean high school he had come so close to attending. Here, everyone was wrapped up in their own worlds and as he looked around at his schoolmates, he noticed the way they smiled a little too big and laughed a little too loudly.

Some kids his age greeted him upon his entry into the classroom, and just as politely, Henry spoke to them. Nothing important was said and nothing sincere could be identified.

Still, he gazed all around the room, it was better than being near that boy.

 

***

 

Eunhyuk didn’t really think anything of it. He wanted to live his own life and if everyone else was doing just that, why couldn’t he? It seemed like Ryeowook was doing fine without his support anyway and besides, it was too much work to constantly check up on the kid.

Dancing, playing music, and casually hanging out with people were much better. He didn’t need that shitty drama. It felt great to just be goofing off with some normal people who weren’t in love with each other or fucking around.

Loyalty is just a word.

This isn’t a fairytale. Eunhyuk didn’t feel up to playing the best friend anymore. He deserved some sort of happiness and damn it to hell if he didn’t get that.

 

***

 

Sungmin had tried talking to Eunhyuk about everything because as best friends they were supposed to be able to support one another, right? But whenever he did try to talk to him, the atmosphere was never serious enough, and recently, Eunhyuk had simply been too busy for anyone but his new friends.

It wasn’t like Sungmin could talk to Donghae about his problems, especially since those problems partially had to do with him. There entire group had fallen apart because of Sungmin. If had hadn’t said anything about his feelings for Donghae, then all of them couldn’t continued being happy together. Even though they were a couple and they were supposed to be happy, they weren’t. Sungmin wasn’t stupid. He could see it in Donghae’s eyes.

But…they had destroyed friendships for their relationship. What would happen if they didn’t keep trying?

 

***

 

Zhoumi had gotten everything he wanted.

Henry came back to him.

They were attending school together.

Kyuhyun broke up with that country bumpkin, Ryeowook.

And so far, Kibum was only focused on wrecking Kyuhyun’s attempts to get back together with that low-class loser. That meant he wouldn’t be trying to mess with Henry.

How much better could Zhoumi’s life get?

He didn’t even care that Henry was still probably in love with Donghae. Over time, that would change. They were never anything special to begin with, after all. He and Zhoumi made the only logical couple.

 

 

 

Letter 1

_Hey,_

_I sort of stopped counting after the first month. I must have written you at least once a day for the past month, but I still haven’t gotten a response. You’re probably not even reading them, are you? I know it sounds crazy that I would be cheating on you and still wanting you back, but that’s what it is._

_Don’t you understand Ryeowook?_

_Or at least, I wish you would understand._

_Whenever I think about stopping these letters, I remember you and that smile and that sweet laugh. You drag me back without even trying. I’m sorry, again and again, that I did those things and that I didn’t ever ask about your family. But hating me…is that really fair? I’m practically groveling for your forgiveness, but you won’t even bat an eyelash._

_I do care about you._

_I don’t know if I…well, if I love you, but there’s something inside of me that calls out to you. We’re connected, no matter what you want to think._

_Do you ever think about me anymore?_

_Like, about the past and about all of the years we’ve spent together. I’ve always looked forward to those summers and winters. You’re the reason I can be as good as I am. The person I show you isn’t false. He’s real and scared…or something. I don’t know anymore. He wants to exist, really he does. He wants to exist for you._

_But he’s terrified._

_Kyuhyun_

 

Letter 2

_I had a dream about you last night._

_Well, since you’re not reading these, I’ll just be as honest as I want._

_You and I were on vacation together. Did you know that I’ve always wanted to take you to Greece? It doesn’t have to be Greece, but in my dream and in my mind that’s the default location._

_Anyway, we were on the beach and the sun was rising. Well, it was probably setting, but I like to think that it’s rising on a new dawn. You and I aren’t over, no matter how much you might think so. If I can’t stop dreaming about you after two months, there’s something seriously wrong, or maybe right?_

_I couldn’t hear your voice in the dream. I was sort of sad about that, but I know exactly what you said to me._

_You said, “Kyuhyun-ah, look, look! Let’s take a picture!”_

_And then I leaned over and kissed your cheek just as the flash went off. Your eyes were big and I laughed, pulling you close and kissing you again. I could’ve sworn I could feel your soft hair against my lips, but then again, maybe I just have a good imagination. After that, your arms went around me and I practically giggled out of pure happiness. You make me crazy without even trying, Ryeowook. How can I deal with that?_

_You didn’t give me any closure and now I’m left here with my broken wishes and memories._

_I don’t want closure though. I just want you. Is that too much to ask? It might be, huh?_

_Kyuhyun_

Letter 3

 

_Did you get the flowers I sent you? Or did they never even make it to your home? I know that a friend of mine has something against us being together and that’s why he may have gotten to them before they arrived._

_I guess you’re probably thinking that he can’t really be a friend if he’s trying to tear us apart even more. Well, he’s the person that I’ve been told to model myself after. It’s more like habit rather than actually wishing to be like him._

_Really, I’ve been thinking a lot these past this past month or maybe it’s been two months…I don’t know anymore. Anyway, I know that I want you to be with me no matter what._

_It’s too strange to know that you hate me._

_Ryeowook, you’re the boy who has been by my side for twelve years. I don’t want to think that you’re out there finding someone to replace me. Is there anyone who could replace me? Who could mean more to you than someone who has spent almost all their life with you?_

_Now, I’m just regretful._

_I think about how many times I should’ve kissed you sooner, made you realize that I love you._

_I would never spend so much time chasing after a world like yours when I’m trapped in my cold one, if I really didn’t feel anything for you._

_Kyuhyun_

Letter 4

 

_There’s a gourmet club at school now. I thought about joining it, but my friends convinced me not to. That seems to be a problem with me. They have a hold over what I do and I’ve never thought about telling them to go away._

_How can I?_

_Although all of them are really terrible, I’m just as terrible for going along with their decisions. I used to think it was just how I was. I don’t have a choice. But when I think that they’re the reason you’re gone now, I can’t help but hate it all._

_You’re the only person I’ve ever felt this way about and I know that that doesn’t sound sincere._

_You hate me a lot now don’t you, Ryeowook?_

_It’s sort of funny…how writing to you has become like journaling. I’m spouting out everything that I possibly can because I want it to reach you someday. Even if this is embarrassing and I would’ve never done this in the past, I can’t stop myself anymore. I want you to understand me through these jumbled thoughts and anecdotes._

_Maybe I’ll find something better to say tomorrow._

_Good night._

_Kyuhyun_

 

Letter 5

 

_I went drinking last night. I woke up in bed with someone I didn’t know. That happens a lot…this is the first time I’m telling you this because I don’t think I want to keep this part of me a secret anymore. When I drink too much, I get mean, or at least, that’s what I hear._

_My words are sharper than usual and my attitude is bad._

_That’s the real me amped up ten-fold, probably._

_You would hate that version of me. I hate that version too._

_But people like him. People really love that he’s so crazy and wild and loose. If you’re wondering right now whether or not I wake up filled with regrets…well, sometimes. Other times I’m pretty indifferent._

_There’s nothing I could’ve done. I don’t even remember their name or face or how we ended up in that situation._

_I only hate myself on the mornings where I wake up knowing that I slept with someone because I was upset about you. Ryeowook, you’re the person I want to be and want to be with. You’re my ideal in almost every way, so I guess when I blame you for my mess ups, I regret it._

_I don’t want you to be another excuse, because you’re always going to be more than that. Even if you hate me for the rest of your life, you’re always going to be the person I wish to be loved by._

_No. More than that, I want people to love me like they love you._

_Kyuhyun_

Letter 6

 

_What can I say to you today that I haven’t already rambled on about in the other millions of letters?_

_It rained this afternoon. I was watching it hit my window and then I thought about that time when the summer festival was cancelled because of a heavy downpour. At first I was positive that you wouldn’t show up, so I just stayed in my hotel room._

_But then you called me and asked why I was late._

_That was the night I fell in love with you all over again. You see, that year was the same year I started getting involved in all of that shit with Kibum and Zhoumi. They were pretty lenient with me until a few years ago, but once I was getting older, they wanted me to go to their parties and drink with them and everything in between._

_Well, since I felt like I was getting too old to play this game with you, I started thinking that I wasn’t in love with you exactly…more like, I was already in too deep with you and so I had to stick around._

_And then, as I already said, you kept waiting for me. No one has ever waited for me, longed for me, given a sincere damn for me._

_But you did. You did without even knowing me fully._

_When I found you in the rain, soaked through to the bone, I wanted to kiss you, hug you, beg you to love me forever so I would never feel alone again._

_Every time I sat there waiting for you in the years to come, I think about why. Just…why hadn’t I done all of those things that night? I wish I could have told you that rainy night that you’re the only person I would give up everything for._

_Then again, I probably didn’t realize just how sincerely I meant those words. If I could redo everything, I would throw it all away to be where you are._

_Kyuhyun_

Letter 7

 

_Kibum took me boxing today. It’s one of the stress reliever activities he does, but he’s not violent or anything. I only agreed to go with him because I suddenly had a thought._

_What are you doing right now Ryeowook?_

_Are you with Eunhyuk?_

_I couldn’t stop thinking about those two things. Were you going on dates with him? Or maybe you were holding him…kissing him…I don’t even know. I got angry. I got jealous. I think my hormones are getting to me._

_Whatever happened between you two after the summer? Did you guys spend the rest of your time together between college and high school? Is he still coming by to hang out with you?_

_I doubt I even want the answer to those things._

_Nonetheless, I don’t hope that you’re happy._

_Is that selfish? I want you all to myself. I still want you all to myself._

_How many times have I said that I want you now?_

_Do you think I’ve made up for all the years of silence?_

_Maybe someday I’ll get a reply._

_Until then,_

_Kyuhyun_

Letter 8

 

_My father introduced me to a girl this year. He said that since I’m in my third year already, I should be finding prospective partners. She was skinny like you, Ryeowook. But her face wasn’t good. There was something wrong with her smile. I think she had too much plastic surgery. That’s a big thing these days, isn’t it?_

_But I suppose I should say that at the very least she was decent overall. I don’t think anyone has a face as…well, you know where I’m going, hopefully._

_To me, there’s no one that’s beautiful enough._

_The only person I can think of that’s beautiful enough has to have a heart of a gold, a pure soul, and a strong mind. You’re the only one that fits those things._

_Kibum told me to just find a wife so I don’t have to deal with all of this garbage anymore. I agreed with him at the time, but I don’t want to marry anyone. Aren’t I just a little young for that?_

_Plus, if I’m married, that’s even a smaller possibility of ever seeing you again. Having an on the side lover won’t mean anything if it isn’t you and I guess it’s too much to hope that you would be okay with that situation. After all, that’s the reason you left me, isn’t it?_

_Kyuhyun_

Letter 9

 

_I can’t sleep. There’s a lot of noise even though it’s silent. Do you understand what I mean?_

_It seems like writing to you is therapy more than journaling. When I’m restless, I pick up a pen and start writing to you about anything I can think of._

_So…I guess, for tonight, I’ll tell you about a song I want to sing._

_The lyrics have to do with two people who have fallen apart. They left a lot of things unsaid and one of them is mourning this, but refuses to say anything. The same person is still thankful even if they can no longer see one another. This person wants their love to be happy no matter what happens from here on out._

_I don’t want to ever be that weak though._

_If there’s someone I want to meet, I will meet them. You’re included Ryeowook. One day I’ll get you to see me again, even if I have to fly all the way to Korea and force you to turn to me. I don’t care if you hate every second of it._

_I just need to see you again._

_How could half a year pass and my emotions still be this strong? That must mean that I’m crazy. You occupy my mind to no end, Ryeowook. When will you give me a chance to convey those feelings?_

_Kyuhyun_

Letter 10

 

_Tell me…if I go to the summer festival this year, will you be there?_

_Am I still worth waiting in the rain for?_

_Even if I’m not worth it, you are._

_So I’ll go and wait for you just like you waited for me. It’s okay if you don’t show up. I’ll keep wishing that you did though._

_Love,_

_Kyuhyun_

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

“Congratulations on graduating!” Donghae cheered, clapping his hands and smiling at Ryeowook. The latter laughed and smiled, leaning back in the booth and sighing. His friend was ordering a large banana split for them to share, while continuing to chatter on about a number of things.

How had a year passed by so quickly? An entire year without a single memorable event had done nothing to erase that summer. He almost laughed to himself when he thought about the abroad program he had skipped out on. What was the point when your friends didn’t go?

Ryeowook stared out the window, gaze hazy with emotions. He wondered if there was going to be another letter waiting for him at home. Every two days a new letter from Kyuhyun came. For the past 365 days, Ryeowook had grown accustomed to the sealed envelope that continued to stay sealed as he tossed it into the massive hoard of mail in the corner of his bedroom.

“Are you listening to me?” Donghae poked his friend from across the booth.

The high school graduate blinked, shaking away his thoughts. “Uhm, what?” Ryeowook smiled sheepishly.

“Why do you look so upset?” the older boy grumbled, “you’re supposed to be going crazy with excitement! You’re out of _high school_! It’s done! No more!” Donghae made a huge flourish with his arms. “The world has finally opened up for you, Ryeowook!”

“Yeah, that might be true,” he mused, half heartedly, “but what do I do with it? I’m going to end up spending my summer doing nothing and then head off to China at the end of August.”

“China? Why China?” Donghae asked, head tilting in curiosity, “You never did tell me what school you decided on attending.”

Ryeowook reached into his school bag, withdrawing a folded letter. Handing it to Donghae, he explained, “A few months ago I got an acceptance letter in the mail from them. I didn’t think I would actually get in, but apparently someone had recommended me without me knowing. They’re offering me almost a full ride to study composition in their music department. I couldn’t say no to that.”

“Hmm…do you know who recommended you?” he grinned, giving the letter back, “That’s really amazing.”

The slender male paused, brow furrowing, “I think…his name is Kim Kibum.” Ryeowook chuckled, “It was really generic, and so I couldn’t do an internet search on him. I got his contact information from the school though and I’ve talked on the phone with him once or twice.”

“Wow…,” Donghae whistled, “Does he have a nice voice?”

“I guess so,” Ryeowook laughed, “he speaks carefully and slowly. He said that I should call him when I arrive in China so he can come pick me up.”

Just then, the ice cream arrived and the conversation strayed away as they started devouring the large dessert. Donghae was happy to fill himself up at first, but then he started getting a strange feeling in the pt of his stomach. There was something off about the situation. That sort of feeling had been resonating inside of him for the past year.

After Sungmin and he had broken things off, their group had crumbled completely. Sungmin was too busy with college and internships. Eunhyuk was too busy with…well, with whatever he had been doing for the past year.

Things were different now.

Donghae didn’t understand why Eunhyuk had distanced himself from Ryeowook, but he had. Why did everything go wrong that year? Donghae would bet his life that all of them, Ryeowook, Eunhyuk, Sungmin, and Henry, asked themselves that question over and over again.

Why did they have to fall apart?

Was friendship so weak?

Was love so weak?

Thinking back, Donghae truly wondered how he was so immature. Why had he let go of Henry for Sungmin? It didn’t make sense to him now. What was the point in breaking things off with someone he had fallen in love with and lived with for a year, in order to get together with someone who only ended up lasting for four months?

“Do you think if I had invited Eunhyuk and Sungmin, they would’ve come to celebrate with us?” Donghae blurted, eyes lowered to the table. _And if Henry had known…would he have called to say congrats, too?_

Ryeowook stopped what he was doing and smiled without the slightest happiness. “If our friendships had been strong enough, they would’ve lasted. I think there has to be a reason why none of us are together anymore.”

“But…we were all so close to one another,” Donghae’s fist tightened around the spoon in hand, “I don’t understand. How could we all just stop caring?”

“Because we aren’t living a cheesy television show or a heart-warming drama,” Ryeowook shrugged, “People are always changing their minds. We’re always making mistakes and regretting what we’ve done. I mean, Donghae, if you could go back in time, you would’ve never hurt Henry like that, right?”

The horror that flickered over the older male’s face was answer enough. Ryeowook chuckled humorlessly, “See? I’m the same way…I think.” His jaw twitched. “Or maybe I’m not. I don’t regret falling in love. I regret being stupid in love. But I’m making a change. I’m not going to be scared anymore. That’s why I’m going to school in China. If I ever meet Kyuhyun again, I don’t want to be angry at him.”

“You sound like a monk, Ryeowook,” Donghae laughed a tad miserably, “I really don’t know how you’re so mature now. It really has only been a year right?”

“Time gives you a lot to think about,” he answered softly, “And so…if I ever meet Kyuhyun again, I want to be clear about my feelings. I never explained to him why I pushed him away so quickly, so I at least owe him that if fate pulls us together again.”

Donghae cocked an eyebrow, “You sound like you know that you’re going to see him again.”

“I…,” Ryeowook pressed his silver spoon into the ice cream, “just know that we’re not done yet. Whatever that means, it just doesn’t feel like everything has been said and done.”

“One day I hope I can be as brave as you,” the older boy leaned over the table, kissing his friend’s forehead. With a laugh, Donghae winked at the blushing Ryeowook. “You’ve already grown up so much while all of us weren’t looking.”

He didn’t answer that though. It didn’t really seem like something he could answer. After all, behind those big words, Ryeowook wasn’t positive he would have that much composure when theories and scenarios were thrown out and reality came back at full force.

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

No one wanted to celebrate the festival anymore. It was too childish. What reason could there be to attend something as immature as that?

Ryeowook flipped a page in his music theory book, having absolutely no idea what he was reading. All he could think about was the dreaded date. The windows in his bedroom were shut tight even though a nice night breeze rustled the trees outside.

In his mind though, if he heard even one cry of joy or excitement from the neighborhood kids, he just knew that that sinking feeling would truly take root and send him spiraling into a strange episode.

Tossing the book aside, he sighed and raked fingers through his hair. Glancing across the room, he could see his slowly growing pile of luggage for college. Each day he added a bit more to it and each day he felt more and more uneasy about leaving. He knew it was for the best, but what was it like beyond the town limits? What was it like to be an adult?

Ryeowook somehow trailed his gaze over to the overflowing crates of letters. Sometimes, when he was in a particularly foul mood, he would think about ripping them apart and throwing them away, but something always stopped him.

_Someday…_

Shaking his head, he cupped his hands behind his head, eyes closing in frustration. Last year, he had truly felt alone and childish and weak. This year, he knew he was alone. Numbers had dwindled away the previous year, but now those numbers were non-existent. Of course he had school friends that would gladly go hang out with him, but for Ryeowook, those people were expendable. The only ones he ever wanted to spend time with were already gone.

A soft knock at the door caught his attention, forcing him upright into a sitting position. “Yes?” Ryeowook called.

His mother entered the room then, a letter in her hand. “You’re not going to the festival tonight?” she asked curiously.

“No…maybe not,” Ryeowook shrugged, “what are you holding?”

“Oh,” she lifted the handwritten letter up, “This letter was given to the wrong address. Our neighbors accidentally opened it, but they’re returned it to us now. It’s from Kyuhyun.”

Ryeowook stiffened, edging away from the paper as if it was trying to burn him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled, “Just throw it out.”

“Ryeowook, throwing away someone’s hand written letter is inexcusable. What do you mean throw it away?” she scolded, tossing the paper onto the bed, “If you want to get rid of it, then read it first, but don’t you dare throw it in the garbage.” Then she headed to the door, closing it carefully.

Grinding his teeth, he picked up the letter, but stopped when he saw the faint shadow of words through the thin paper. Ryeowook’s chest squeezed harshly, heart pounding with such force he had to physically curl into himself to calm the erratic shots of pain. Taking a few deep breaths, he picked up the paper again, swallowing hard on the lump in his throat. Ryeowook made a small noise of discomfort, but other than that, he stayed silent as the paper flipped over and his eyes slowly scanned the lines.

 

_Tell me…if I go to the summer festival this year, will you be there?_

_Am I still worth waiting in the rain for?_

_Even if I’m not worth it, you are._

_So I’ll go and wait for you just like you waited for me. It’s okay if you don’t show up. I’ll keep wishing that you did though._

“…Love…Kyuhyun…,” Ryeowook murmured, letting the paper flutter to the ground. He glanced at the clock, but then turned away, not bothering to pay it anymore mind. “Lies…,” he scoffed, picking up his book again and flipping it open.

 

***

 

Yawning, Ryeowook rubbed his eyes, peering at the clock. He figured it had to be morning already, but when he saw the time, it read: 12:05A.M.

“Is this a joke?” he laughed silently, sitting up and looking out the window. There was no one outside anymore, but the faint lights of the festival being cleaned up could be seen. Ryeowook sighed, climbing off the bed and pulling his shoes on. “He’s probably not there anymore…,” the young man spoke to himself as he headed out of the room and crept down the hall.

He stepped out into the night, taking a deep breath. There would always be memories spinning through his mind, taking shape as the shadows on the walls and the phantoms in his peripheral vision. A soft tinkling caught his ear for what seemed like the first time in years and then reached down gripping the bells he still so often wore.

It was a weakness of his. How could he let go even after he let go? Was that why his mother had given his father a second chance? Ryeowook clenched his fists. That was a mistake though. Giving people the opportunity to redeem themselves was stupid.

Every year, it seemed, his trip to the summer festival grew quieter. Ryeowook shook his head, trying to rid himself of those thoughts.

Soon enough, he was walking through the dismantled event site, ignoring the strange looks he was receiving. Some people appeared to want to tell him that the festival was over, but Ryeowook was walking too quickly and silently for anyone to interrupt him.

Another minute passed before he came to a stop just a few feet away from the green curtain of vegetation separating the rest of the world from their hidden fireworks spot. Ryeowook veered off course, cutting through a smaller path in the wooded area. There was a slight rustling of trees that masked his footsteps on the soft, well grown earth. Ryeowook continued on until he neared the edge of the cliff and then his heart was beating like it had never done before.

There was pain and warmth, aching and longing, hatred and affection. He slumped to the ground, resting his backside against a large tree trunk. It felt like Kyuhyun would be able to see him if he just turned that head of his, but…he didn’t see him.

In fact, Kyuhyun didn’t appear to see anything. His eyes were dark and beautiful like Ryeowook remembered. There was that silver necklace, its bell charm jingling softly in the night breeze. He wore a thin cardigan that night, and from what Ryeowook could see, he had become more muscular since the last time they met.

Glancing down at himself, Ryeowook wondered if he had changed in appearance at all. Maybe he was more muscular too? He turned his head back to look at Kyuhyun and saw the young man checking his phone.

 _How long have you been waiting?_ Ryeowook sighed silently, stretching his legs out slightly, arms resting on knees.

“Sir, we need to go now. The last flight back to China is in an hour.”

Kyuhyun turned around and a dark expression shifted across his face. “I don’t care.”

Ryeowook tried not to laugh. _He’s still the same…_ The humor quickly died when he thought about those words again. _He’s still the same…still a liar, right?_ There were too many contradictions roiling around inside of him when he saw Kyuhyun. It was one thing to ignore him from thousands of miles away; it was another thing to ignore him from a few feet away.

“Your father has strict orders. He needs you back in China immediately.”

“And what if I didn’t go?” Kyuhyun snapped, turning his back on the guardian. Ryeowook’s eyes widened as he saw desperation cross those handsome features. He didn’t even hear what the man was telling Kyuhyun. All he could see and feel was the—

Suddenly, Kyuhyun was standing up, looking about ready to stab someone through the chest. That expression vanished reluctantly as he started following the guardian back to the car. What had convinced him to go? Ryeowook watched him walk away, the awed emotions that had been overwhelming slowly disappearing.

Halfway down the road, Kyuhyun stopped and turned around, head turning this way and that. “If you came tonight, Ryeowook, I’m sorry.”

He will never understand why he did what he did next. Ryeowook could only think it was because he was crazy and probably a little delirious. Slowly, his hand curled around the bell in his pocket and shook it.

Kyuhyun froze, swiveling around before his guardian could try and stop him. He walked back up the road, a strangely bright expression on his face. Ryeowook wondered at first if it was just another act. It probably was. “Where are you?” Kyuhyun called.

No answer.

His expression dimmed slightly, but he didn’t seem ready to give up. “You don’t want me to see you?” Kyuhyun guessed, “Shake once for yes, and two for no.”

_Jingle…_

“Did you read my letters?”

_Jingle…jingle…._

Kyuhyun laughed in the worst way possible. He walked further up the path, body coming closer to Ryeowook with each step. “Did you read the letter about me coming here?”

_Jingle…_

There was only a small amount of space separating them then, except Ryeowook had shifted around to the other side of the tree, body facing out towards the cliff then. He sighed softly, heart beating frantically as footsteps became muffled by the vegetation. On the other side of the tree, he could feel Kyuhyun’s presence, tall and strong.

Sliding down, the handsome boy curled his hands into the fabric of his thin jacket, trying to urge himself to not touch Ryeowook. They were so close and all he wanted to do was grab him and hold him until they were okay again.

Kyuhyun spoke softly then, voice resonating in the quiet space between them, “I know that no matter how many times I say that I’m sorry, you won’t believe me, but please, just don’t stop watching me. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll show you that I’m different.” He swallowed hard, “Ryeowook, I wouldn’t be here making a fool of myself if I wasn’t sincere. I can’t stop thinking about you and a year has already passed. But…please,” Kyuhyun couldn’t restrain himself then. He reached around, practically falling over himself when he felt that soft slender hand being enclosed by his own, “oh my god, you’re actually here,” he laughed, feeling stupid and embarrassed all of a sudden, “uhm, but I mean that I’ll do whatever it takes to make you forgive me. I’ll prove it to you and maybe someday…someday we could be together—”

“—second chances don’t exist. You hurt me once already and that means you’re capable of doing it again,” Ryeowook blurted, but his body wasn’t listening to those words. His fingers curled around Kyuhyun’s tightly as if he didn’t want to let go, “I hate you, Kyuhyun. You made me hate you and I hate that the most,” he rambled, tears rolling down his face. He already knew that his composure would crumble the second Kyuhyun showed up.

“Some people don’t deserve second chances, but I do,” he argued, “I’ll move to Korea, I’ll give up everything, I’ll write you a thousand letters…anything to make you see that I’m still worth it,” Kyuhyun turned around then, pulling Ryeowook backwards. Before their eyes could meet though, Ryeowook pressed his hand over the taller one’s face, covering his line of sight.

Quietly, Ryeowook said, “Do it then.”

“What?” Kyuhyun stuttered, trying to remove the older one’s hand.

“Write me a thousand letters.” Ryeowook firmly covered Kyuhyun’s eyes, refusing adamantly to let their eyes meet, “Write…a thousand letters, and if you succeed, I’ll give you a second chance…okay?”

 

 


	4. 4

 

_Letter Count: 17_

Kyuhyun stared at the scrawled number on the back of the envelope and wondered if Ryeowook was actually going to stick around long enough to receive all of them. Besides, what if he moved and didn’t tell Kyuhyun? No matter what he did, it seemed like Ryeowook refused to communicate at all. Even that meeting at the summer festival was a fluke.

If Ryeowook’s mother hadn’t accidentally opened that letter, then he wouldn’t have even known about Kyuhyun’s appearance in town.

Glancing at the stack of papers beside him, he sighed a little tiredly. “I need more paper…”

Brushing that off for the moment, Kyuhyun stamped the envelope and tossed it into his school bag. He would drop it off on the way to class tomorrow. Just as he reached for another piece of paper, his phone buzzed.

Kyuhyun checked the screen, heart beating strangely when he saw Kibum’s name. Slowly, he picked it up, holding the device up to his ear. “Hey.”

“Let’s go out to dinner tonight.”

“Huh? Okay, that’s fine,” he responded, reluctantly scooting back from the desk. “What time?”

“I’m waiting downstairs, so come on,” Kibum answered, amused.

Kyuhyun quickly pulled on his shoes and grabbed his keys and wallet. “Why would you do that? This is too sudden.” He locked the door behind him, jogging down the corridor.

“I’m practicing my spontaneity. Is it that troublesome?”

The younger male’s mouth twitched in annoyance. “Yes, it’s that frustrating.” He reached the bottom of the stairs and saw the handsome college student leaning against a pillar. Ending the call, Kyuhyun strode towards Kibum, body moving of its own natural accord.

Kibum peered at the other boy, breaking into a soft grin as he leaned forward to press their lips together. “Well, I guess we should go then. Our reservations are important.”

“Where are we going?” Kyuhyun asked, physically forcing himself to wipe away the kiss when Kibum’s back was turned. He didn’t want to do even one thing to jeopardize his relationship with Ryeowook. Not again.

With ease, the older male entered the waiting black car, settling inside while Kyuhyun shut the door after sitting down. Kibum closed the gap slightly, eyes trailing over the other one’s face. “You’ve been looking at me strangely for a long time now. It means that you’re not telling me something. What’s wrong?”

“Aren’t you an arts major? Why are you babbling about psychology?” Kyuhyun snapped.

Kibum tipped the other’s chin up, “You don’t like my babbling? Is there something wrong with it?” He smiled.

“No, but it makes people uneasy,” the younger male remarked, looking away. He didn’t want Kibum to find out anymore about him and Ryeowook. If he knew anything, then things would become frustrating and difficult again. As horrible as it sounded, he sort of wished Kibum set his sights Zhoumi instead. “But I have a question for you,” Kyuhyun began, slowly turning his gaze back to the older boy.

“And what is that?”

“Instead of worrying about me, shouldn’t you be worrying about Henry and Zhoumi? You don’t want them to be together, right?”

Kibum’s expression didn’t falter on the surface, but Kyuhyun saw the slight flicker of discomfort deep in those black pools. “I wouldn’t want to be hated. If Zhoumi is happy with that child, then I’ll leave them be for the time being.”

“You can be really scary, you know that?”

“Being protective of those you care about is bad?” Kibum smiled, “I think that I’m doing everyone a favor by fixing things. If you’re never challenged, then you’ll never know your limits.”

“And what if I don’t want to know my limits?” Kyuhyun argued.

Kibum tilted his head, giving the younger male a curious look. To the driver, he said, “Pull over.” The car rolled to a stop and then Kibum began rolling up the divider screen between the front seat and back seat. “You have an hour long break,” he stated before the divider was locked in place and Kyuhyun was trapped against the door and Kibum’s body.

“What?” Kyuhyun mumbled, still trying to scoot away.

“You’ve been giving me a lot of attitude recently. Is there any special reason?” he slowly tugged the belt of the younger male’s pants, slipping it out of the clasp. “Maybe someone has been influencing you again…?”

Kyuhyun pushed at Kibum’s exploring hands, but was soon pinned against the glass. “No one is influencing me, trust me,” he persisted, breath hitching at the sound of his zipper rolling down.

“Trust you?” Kibum laughed silently, “I’ll trust what I hear and see.” He started pulling down the younger male’s pants, eyes locked with his. “Did you know that it’s an automatic reaction?”

“W-What is?” he squirmed, body heating up.

“The natural reaction during an intense orgasm,” Kibum explained softly, lips curling up in a careful, coy smile, “is to tell the truth, isn’t it? People will _scream_ the name of the one they’re thinking of,” he pressed his hand against the thin fabric of Kyuhyun’s boxers. “Should we test it out?”

Kyuhyun swallowed painfully. “…Psychology is bull shit.”

“Hmm…then I can’t wait to find out whose name you call out. Are you sure you can control yourself?”

 


	5. 5

 

Ryeowook really didn’t think Kyuhyun would do it. It didn’t seem like something he would, considering it was such a preposterous request. Writing a thousand letters would take years. Even if he diligently wrote on every day, it would only reach the mid three hundreds by the end of a year.

_“That’s all?”_

He could almost smile at the sound of Kyuhyun’s voice in his head saying that, however, he didn’t smile. There was no way the guy would actually complete all the letters. Ryeowook couldn’t be worth the effort. It had to be a ploy for his forgiveness.

The sounds of the bustling airport filled his head again and then he was transported back to the present. There were people running around on their phones, trying to catch appointments and greet their friends, co-workers, bosses, and family. Ryeowook rolled his luggage out of the Baggage Claim and headed towards the exit, looking around for Kibum.

“Ryeowook?”

Swiveling around, the boy cast his eyes on a handsome young man whose hair was black and whose smile radiated beauty. “U-Uhm, yeah,” Ryeowook nodded, trying with great difficulty to get over his awe. When was the last time he had seen someone so…attractive? The man must have good genes or something. “Are you Kibum?”

A flicker of relief passed through Kibum’s features and then he reached his hand out, “Yes, I am. It’s nice to meet you.” He reached around Ryeowook, taking his luggage for him. “Did you have a nice flight?”

“Yeah, I did,” the slightly younger male answered, smiling, “thank you for asking.” They wasted no time getting into a parked taxi on the side of the road. Ryeowook sighed, settling into the seat without paying mind for the slightly scratchy material.

Kibum came through the other door. “Sorry for the messy transportation. I didn’t know if you would feel out of place in a limo.”

“I prefer this,” Ryeowook laughed, blushing faintly, “thank you for everything though.”

The man shrugged easily, his eyes shining in the afternoon sun. “Then I would also like to explain to you why I recommended you for this school. I know it must have been very sudden and confusing.” Kibum pulled out a file of papers, opening it up to display a stack of student profiles. “Every year, my family chooses ten Korean students planning to attend a Chinese university and then provide them with scholarship money.”

“Oh wow, that sounds amazing,” Ryeowook’s eyes widened as he tried to imagine just how rich someone had to be in order to do that. “But how did you decide on me? I’m not incredibly outstanding.”

“Well, actually I’ve heard a lot about you from a friend of mine named Kyuhyun,” Kibum admitted, smiling faintly, “our families are close and he’s talked about you from time to time. I thought that if someone as smart as him thinks so highly of you, you’re probably worth recommending.”

Ryeowook’s expression chilled at the mention of Kyuhyun. It seemed like Kibum noticed the look because he immediately reached out, taking one of Ryeowook’s hands in a calming manner. “Please don’t misunderstand,” Kibum murmured, “I…heard that you and Kyuhyun had a falling out. I’m doing everything of my own accord, so I can assure you that he hasn’t had any part in it. I don’t know how to convince you, but thus far I have told you things that can be verified numerous times from different sources.”

“If you’re friends with Kyuhyun, then that means you’re probably just as bad as him, doesn’t it?” Ryeowook stated, already thinking of ways to get out of the situation. He didn’t want to be another victim of someone like Kyuhyun.

Kibum sighed quietly, squeezing the slender hand in his. “The way I see it, if I was really up to something, I wouldn’t be telling you all of this. If you want, I could even tell you all about the things Kyuhyun did behind your back. Or…if you don’t care about him, then I’ll tell you about what I’ve done.” His dark gaze focused curiously on Ryeowook, forcing a strange clenching feeling into the pit of the latter’s stomach. Kibum leaned forward slightly, lips parted in soft words, “Do you want to know?”

He jerked back, face heating up. “I...tell me about you.”

Kibum flashed a cheeky grin, and laughed silently. “I smoke, but I don’t drink. I’m an aspiring actor and an heir to a film production company.” He tilted his head, that warm, breath taking smile crossing his lips, “What else?”

“Y-You’re really not hiding anything, are you?” Ryeowook mumbled, back pressing against the taxi door. No matter how far back he scooted, the space between them never seemed to grow. Instead, Kibum was getting closer and closer with each passing second.

A hand suddenly brushed his hip, grazing the fabric of his t-shirt as it slid up to rest gently on his waist. Kibum was nearly an inch away then, eyes lowered over the trapped boy. “You shouldn’t let yourself fall into these situations. It’s dangerous, especially when you’re so new to this country.” And then the beautiful man was backing up, chuckling in what appeared to be his signature silent way.

Ryeowook rubbed his head, an aching pain there. That was far too much information for one taxi ride. He closed his eyes, shaking his head in exasperation. “You’re really strange, Kibum. I think I should be feeling more discomforted by you.”

“Is that how you see it?”

He just smiled a little and closed his eyes. The flight was finally taking its toll. “I…think I’ll give you a chance,” Ryeowook muttered, yawning and slowly drifting off. _What a long plane ride…_

Kibum gazed at the lightly sleeping boy with the initial thought that he was the most gullible person to ever walk the earth. His second thought however, was that he had never seen someone slumbering so innocently. Kibum smiled in the smallest of ways, letting the back of his hand drift down Ryeowook’s sloping cheek. “Cute…”

 


	6. 6

 

The car pulled up to large black gates and then Ryeowook eased his eyes open, neck stretching a bit. Across the backseat he could see Kibum reading a book, but stopping when he caught Ryeowook’s gaze. A slight smile curved the older boy’s face. “You slept for a good hour or so. Do you feel better?”

“Uhm, yeah, I think so,” he laughed a little, but then his brow furrowed. “Wait, was I saying anything weird to you earlier? I’m sorry. I was really out of it.”

“Don’t worry,” Kibum shook his head, “you didn’t say anything weird as far as I’m concerned. I would advise you to stop sleeping in front of strangers though.” He didn’t bother to mention that this was the second situation that made Ryeowook defenseless. Eventually the kid would catch on to the common sense of living in a new environment. “You never know which ones are out to get you.” He closed his book and then pushed the car door open. “We should start unloading your things. There’s a dormitory orientation tonight that you’ll want to attend.”

Ryeowook nodded quickly and climbed out as well. They walked around to the trunk and pulled out what luggage he had. “You’re really too helpful, Kibum,” he chuckled before yawning. His eyes drifted up to the buildings strewn across an impressive campus. It was really beautiful wasn’t it? He took a deep breath, inhaling the strong scent of a foreign country and finding peace there.

_It might be okay…somehow…_

 

***

 

_Letter Count: 28_

Kyuhyun pushed the letter through the slot, exhaling forcefully. His mind kept replaying that incident the last time he saw Kibum. Ever since then, he had purposefully avoided the older boy. The only problem was that it was _too_ easy to avoid him. That was nerve-wracking to say the least.

Just as he turned around to head back to the dorms, his phone buzzed. Stiffening slightly, Kyuhyun reached down, checking it. Not recognizing the number, he carefully answered it, a tentative, “Hello?” being his greeting.

“Is that you, Kyuhyun? This is Ryeowook’s mother.”

“Oh, hi,” he said quickly, heart race quickening, “Is everything alright? Did something happen to Ryeowook?”

“No, no, I just noticed that you’re still sending letters to our address and I wanted to tell you that they won’t reach Ryeowook,” she explained.

“Yeah, I already figured that,” Kyuhyun laughed, masking his discomfort with such a blunt attack, “but I promised to write to him no matter what so it doesn’t matter if he reads them or not.”

Ryeowook’s mother was quiet for a moment before saying, “That wasn’t what I meant, but what a strange occurrence. I hope that whatever is going on with you and my son is cleared up. You know, it’s really strange. He doesn’t throw away any of the letters you send. They’re just sitting in a huge pile in the corner of his room collecting dust. None of them are opened either.”

She sighed heavily, but then chuckled and said, “Excuse me, I should focus. Anyway, I found your number in a pile of Ryeowook’s papers and I decided to call you. I’m just being a worry wart, but I can’t help it. Since Ryeowook is attending college in China, I was hoping you could keep an eye on him? I don’t want him to get into any trouble. A city is very different from where we come from and I’m just so flustered thinking that he might be troubled by himself.”

Kyuhyun was silent for the longest time, unable to figure out if he was hallucinating or if Ryeowook’s mom had really just told him all of those wonderful, strange things.

“Are you still there Kyuhyun?”

“Y-Yeah, I am!” he said a little too excitedly. Clearing his throat, Kyuhyun started walking faster towards his room. “Could I have his address?”

And so it went.

 

***

 

Kibum smiled one last time at Ryeowook before closing the dorm room door and heading down the corridor. There were other students moving in for the new semester, but only one thing caught his attention as he finally reached the base floor landing.

With a determined stride, Kyuhyun was making his way through the front doors. Why was he there? Kibum didn’t let him get very far before intercepting him. There was an almost crazy look in Kyuhyun’s eyes that made the older of the two flinch, “And where are you headed in such a hurry?” he prompted, gripping the younger male’s arm firmly.

“Does it matter?” Kyuhyun answered, pulling away weakly. He swallowed hard, keeping his expression as steely as possible. The last thing he wanted was for Kibum to find out what he was up to.

“Well, a high school student inside a college dormitory is troubling,” he responded simply, smiling, “What would the administrators think if I let you traipse around this place?” Kibum tugged Kyuhyun back to the door, “Let’s go.”

“But—”

“—or maybe I’ve made a mistake and you’re here looking for someone?” he interrupted.

Kyuhyun froze, words catching in his throat. Flexing his fingers, he subdued the frantic feelings and shook his head. “Ah…no, I was just curious about stuff,” he muttered lamely.

“Good,” Kibum flashed a grin and moved his arm down to hold the boy’s waist, “There’s a party tonight. Wanna go?”

Helplessly, he nodded stiffly and dropped his head, chewing on his bottom lip. Why was Kibum in the dorm? He lived in an apartment across campus. Kyuhyun didn’t want to think of the possibilities. If he did, he just knew that things would be even worse.

“Wear those tight black pants,” Kibum mumbled, hot breath close to Kyuhyun’s ear, “Changmin is going to be there tonight, after all.”

That name sent shivers rolling down the boy’s spine. It wasn’t good though. Kyuhyun didn’t hate that man. Rather, he didn’t know how to handle him and Kibum knew that well. “Ah…,” he whispered, trying to inch away from the lips pressed against his skin. “You’re going to be there too, of course?” Kyuhyun questioned.

“Yes, of course,” he smiled.

 


	7. 7

 

_Letter Count: 35_

There were mainly college students all around. That was normal for Kyuhyun those days. High school parties were a joke and none of his friends were still around. _Well, there’s Henry…_ He looked across the raucous living room to see the young boy practically chained to Zhoumi. _No. No, there’s no Henry._

“You need a refill.” Kyuhyun looked up, seeing Changmin coming up behind him. The older male plucked the plastic cup out of his hand and slipped a beer filled one in its place. “How have you been?” he smirked, hand sliding subtly around Kyuhyun’s hips, grazing the top of his tight jeans.

“How else?” he answered, not daring to remove the hand.

 

_Dear Ryeowook,_

_Why didn’t you tell me that you’re in China now? Is that a stupid question?_

“Feisty already,” Changmin scoffed, moving his hand even lower to run over the other male’s rear, “Were you too excited after hearing that I would be here?”

“Yeah, that must be it,” Kyuhyun rolled his eyes, downing the rest of his drink in hopes that he could crush that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Where was Kibum? He wanted to see that stupid smug face of his. He wanted him to see that the reason Kyuhyun was such a fucked up mess was because of him.

 

_I got a call from your mom and she gave me your address. I didn’t know you got into such a nice school. Are you enjoying it? Or is it too early to ask?_

A passing student caught Kyuhyun’s attention and he snatched his bottle of wine, taking a large swig of the strong liquor. His brain was starting to swim finally and an increasing heat formed in his stomach. “Shit…,” he grunted, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

There were fingers roaming over his skin and thighs, feeling him up to the beat of the music. Changmin ground against his ass, nipping and sucking at Kyuhyun’s throat as he listened to the younger male drink the night away. Suddenly thinking of something, Changmin leaned forward, pressing an open mouthed kiss to Kyuhyun’s Adam’s apple just as he swallowed a mouthful of wine.

 

_Well anyway, I guess I should tell you that I’m so happy that you’re here. I’ll try to find you again but today Kibum stopped me. I’m not sure if he knows something or what. Just…god, I wished you would read this letter._

The touch made the latter jump and choke, spitting out the sharp tasting liquid. Kyuhyun coughed – wine running down his chin as a frown formed on his lips. “You asshole,” he muttered, eyes dark.

“Thanks,” Changmin chuckled, trailing his tongue up the dribbling wine. He caught Kyuhyun in a kiss, forcing him back so their bodies were crushed together, legs rubbing harshly.

 

_Kibum is bad news. He’s worse than me. I don’t want you to get hurt by him so please just watch yourself if he is somehow involved._

 

“Damn, Kyuhyun is already getting it on with Changmin?” Heechul laughed, sitting in Hangeng’s lap as the pair spoke to Zhoumi and Henry.

“They’re always like that, aren’t they?” Zhoumi teased. His hand securely held onto Henry who was quietly standing beside him, not even a drink to keep him preoccupied. He was about to say more, but then there was shifting beside him. Zhoumi glanced down to see his lover checking a phone message. “Hey, what are you doing?” he asked, turning his body around.

“Nothing,” Henry answered quickly, fumbling to put his phone away.

“No, let me see,” Zhoumi snapped, nearly tearing the phone out of the boy’s hand. Before he could see what message Henry was looking at, his own phone rang. Rolling his eyes, Zhoumi passed the phone back to his lover and released his hand. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.”

_I guess it’s probably assumed that he’s involved._

“What’s up, Kibum?” Zhoumi sighed, raking fingers through his hair, “Actually, where are you? I thought you were coming tonight.”

There was static across the line as if Kibum was walking around outside. “Sorry, change of plans. I need you to take a picture for me though.”

“A picture of what?” he asked, stepping further away from the crowds, eyes moving around the room.

Kibum sounded as if he was smiling, “Take a picture of Kyuhyun and Changmin for me. Send it to my phone in half an hour.”

There was a short pause as Zhoumi struggled to keep from asking why he would want something like that. Biting his lip, the tall male nodded faintly before saying, “Alright, I get it.”

_He’s always involved._

 

Kyuhyun set the wine bottle on the counter before stumbling after Changmin who suddenly had five hands. There was fire searing every inch of skin and he couldn’t breathe anymore. “Fuck...Fuck me,” he panted, trying to feel for a bedroom door – any bedroom door, “Damn…”

“Impatient already,” Changmin mouthed in between sultry kisses.

_Until I see you again._

 

 _Click…_ Zhoumi watched the moment freeze on the screen of his camera. It looked like a jumble of limbs and bodies. The only decipherable thing was Kyuhyun’s grinning, drunken face. “What are you planning, Kibum?” Zhoumi muttered.

 

_Love,_

_Kyuhyun_

**Message Sent to Kim Kibum**

**9:13 PM**


	8. 8

 

The dorm room was more of a suite. It housed up to four people, but Ryeowook was pretty sure his roommates didn’t like him very much. They were never around and when they had met for the first time earlier that day, he didn’t get a good feeling from them. At least Kibum had been there to keep him company as he unpacked the necessities.

Ryeowook stepped out of his bedroom, taking careful steps into the living room. There was no one around and the balcony window was open. Sighing, he did a slow circle around the sitting area before settling down on the couch.

What was he supposed to do for the night?

Classes didn’t start until Monday and it was only Friday. Should he go on a campus tour? Ryeowook peered out into the dark night and immediately crushed that idea. He would probably end up being raped or beaten up. Who knew what people from the city were like?

There was a knock at the door then and he jumped, heart racing.

It couldn’t have been anyone dangerous though. The dormitory was secure, wasn’t it?

Slowly, Ryeowook stood up, taking careful steps towards the front door. He peeked through the hole in the wood and immediately relief flooded him. Quickly unlocking the door, he threw it open with a smile. “Kibum-ah, why are you here?”

“I had a feeling you wouldn’t have anyone to hang out with your first night,” he explained, holding up a bag of groceries and a deck of cards. “It’s not a lot, but I hope you don’t mind.”

Ryeowook was shocked into silence. No one had ever looked out for him in that sort of way, not even Kyuhyun. Nodding, he moved aside so Kibum could come in. Automatically, Ryeowook shut and locked the door, quietly following the other male into the kitchen. “What sort of food did you bring?” he asked, feeling stiff and unnatural.

“Well, we’ve got some gourmet convenience store noodles, a bottle of Soju, and some shrimp chips. What do you think?” Kibum smiled, eyes twinkling with laughter.

The younger male’s heart sped up, eyes widening before warming. “That sounds great,” he chuckled, taking the two bags of instant noodles, “I can make them. Do you want to sit down and relax?”

Kibum took the nearest seat, body turned so he was facing the boy working in the small kitchen. “Do you cook a lot?” he prompted.

“Yeah, cooking is fun,” Ryeowook answered, flushing a bit, “It’s not very manly, I know already.”

 “No, no, it’s good that you can cook. College students who can’t do anything end up starving,” he waved his hand dismissively.

Ryeowook tried not to smile too much, feeling like he was relying on Kibum too much already. If he got attached to this man, then he would definitely be in trouble in the future. How would he make any friends or get out of his shell if he had someone taking care of him?

 

“So where are your roommates tonight?” Kibum asked as they both sat down at the table, bowls of noodles in front of them. The bag of shrimp chips was open between them and there were two glasses filled halfway with Soju.

Ryeowook blew on his food and shrugged. “They just sort of disappeared when I was taking a shower. I don’t think they’re warming up to me,” he laughed uneasily.

“It’s probably because they know you’re a better musician than them,” Kibum remarked with a cute smile. “After all, this dorm is for music majors. Everyone here is competing for fame.”

“I don’t know what to think of that,” Ryeowook muttered, swallowed a mouthful of hot food, “…fighting for the spotlight sounds very vicious.”

Kibum nodded in agreement. “It’s the same way with acting. We’re always competing for the best auditions and roles.” He took a sip of his drink, seemingly thoughtful.

“You’re probably at the top of the chain though,” he remarked, glancing up to meet the handsome man’s eyes. Ryeowook immediately averted his gaze though, heat crawling up his neck. That smile really was too stunning.

“I might be,” Kibum said casually, lightly.

They didn’t say much more as they finished eating. Normally, Ryeowook found silence uncomfortable, but with Kibum it seemed as if silence was the best setting. There was no awkward question or emotion hanging in the air. Ryeowook relaxed, slowly letting his muscles unwind as the night progressed.

Once the dishes were done, Ryeowook came back to the table to see Kibum pulling out the cards. The bottle of Soju was gone and he assumed Kibum had put it in the fridge. “What game are we playing?” Ryeowook asked, sitting down adjacent to the man, watching cards being dealt.

“We’re playing Go Fish,” he answered, looking up to wink at the confused boy.

“Why are we playing Go Fish?” Ryeowook laughed, covering his mouth to try and stop.

Kibum made a scolding noise but his body language spoke volumes against that sound. “C’mon, take this seriously!” He set the deck of cards down on the table and then stood up, saying, “Start taking out pairs. I need to use the restroom so I’ll be right back.”

“Mm…,” Ryeowook mumbled, diligently fanning out his hand and beginning to look for pairs.

The bathroom door shut in the distance.

_Bzzt…bzzt…_

Ryeowook blinked, looking up. There was a black phone glowing and buzzing on the table top. Frowning, he picked it up, worried that it was an important call for Kibum. “Hey Kibum! You have…,” he slowly focused on the image that popped up on the unlocked touch screen, “…a…message.” Ryeowook hadn’t realized how quiet his voice had grown.

He stared at the photo, knowing it was completely self inflicted pain. It would be so easy to just look away, but instead the image was burning itself into his mind bit by bit – taking pleasure in the pain Ryeowook felt travelling through his body.

_I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care._

_How many times do I have to say that until it’s true?_

“Ryeowook?”

The phone was slowly taken from his hand, shocking him back to the present. His head whipped up to see Kibum’s worried gaze on him. “I-I’m sorry,” Ryeowook stuttered, “I thought it might be an important call, so I wanted to get it to you…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t mean—”

“—stop it.” Kibum sighed, putting the phone away. “It’s not your fault. Don’t apologize.” He touched the top of Ryeowook’s head gently, fingertips running over the tears that dared to fall. “My friend must have wanted to show me how Kyuhyun’s doing. I’m sorry that you saw that.”

Ryeowook nodded, covering his face, trying to press the tears back inside. “I s-swear, I’m not this weak,” he mumbled. “Please don’t think b-badly of me.”

Kibum bent down a bit, prying the hands away from the boy’s reddened face. Keeping his grip on Ryeowook’s wrists, he brought those palms to his cheeks, squishing them together. “Cheeeee~se,” Kibum drawled, his pushed together face forming duck lips.

A fast, hard laugh burst from Ryeowook and he tried to pull his hands away from Kibum’s silly face. The latter wasn’t giving up though. He tilted his head this way and that, batting his eyelashes as he kept trying to talk.

“S-Stop!” Ryeowook giggled, tears fading.

Kibum lessened up, letting the boy’s hands finally fall away. “Okay, okay,” he mock surrendered, leaning close. “Laughter heals everything.”

“I guess so…,” he whispered, face glowing. “Thanks.”

“If you ever need anything, I’m always available,” Kibum assured.

“I’ll probably be taking up that offer a lot,” Ryeowook sighed tiredly. _He’s nothing like Kyuhyun, right?_

 


	9. 9

 

_…I’m sorry that you saw that…_

_…It’s not your fault. Don’t apologize…_

_…Laughter heals everything…_

_…If you ever need anything, I’m always available..._

 

He closed his eyes, only to open them again a second later. Why had Kibum said something so perfect? Why had that photo shown up on his phone? Just…why? Trusting someone associated with Kyuhyun was always dangerous, so how come he couldn’t help himself from wanting to trust Kibum?

The guy was so sincere and kind. His smile was breathtaking. His mannerisms were flawless. On some level, maybe he was too perfect, too rehearsed. Kyuhyun had been the same way, in a sense. Ryeowook scoffed. Of course, how could he be giving in so easily? It was obvious that Kibum couldn’t be all sugary sweetness. No one like that could exist. _But what do I do now?_ He brushed off his own thought, not wanting to deal with it at the moment.

Ryeowook cupped his hands behind his head, sighing softly. Sitting up, he raked fingers through his hair, frustration evident on his features. Gritting teeth, Ryeowook climbed out of bed, walking over to his desk. He pulled out a notebook and pen, smoothing the surface and turning on the lamp.

 

_It’s almost two o’clock in the morning and I’m awake thinking about you._

_Do you realize how messed up I am because of my feelings for you? I can’t help it and I want to cry every time I think about how miserably, impossibly in love I am with someone as horrible as you, Kyuhyun._

_When I see the night sky, I see your face. When I hear the wind blowing, I hear your laugh. When I breathe, I feel your kiss from that summer._

_Why won’t you disappear?_

Ryeowook inhaled slowly, gripping the pen tighter in hopes of masking his trembling fingers. Was this what it felt like to be going insane? He loathed it already. It was obvious that Kyuhyun didn’t mean any of that bullshit he told Ryeowook when they agreed on the thousand letter challenge.

If he had really meant any of it, why was he still sleeping with people so casually?

 

_You’re nothing compared to the people I’ve met in my life. You’re conniving and a liar and you’re weak. People like you make me sick. You’re all the same. You want power and money and someone stupid to follow you around like a lost puppy._

_I’m not my mother though. I swore that I would never fall in love with someone like my father. I…I’m strong. I can protect myself against lies and pain._

_But…when you’re involved, Kyuhyun, I lose everything. My beliefs and morals are out the window and this consuming wish to be with you overtakes me. Why is it like that? What makes you so special? I hate you. I love you. I…don’t even know what I feel for you._

_What makes you want to sleep with people?_

_Am I just not worth protecting? Do you hate me? Do you want to see me in pain?_

Tears didn’t dare fall from his eyes as he continued scribbling the letter out. It would never be sent, that was for sure. Ryeowook didn’t want anyone to see it – to see his innermost emotions. They were painful to simply write out. How could he ever have the nerve to send it to Kyuhyun?

Besides, it probably wouldn’t mean anything to him. In fact, Ryeowook would almost bet money that the same day he received the letter he would go out and screw around at another party with another person.

 

_You’re probably breaking hearts, aren’t you, Kyuhyun?_

_Keep breaking them. I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to care anymore. They deserve someone as horrible as themselves._

_I hope you understand that I don’t care if you finish those letters. You’re probably not going to anyway. I’m not putting my hopes and wishes into you. I did that once, and you tore it all away from me._

_You never wanted me, Kyuhyun._

_I wanted you with my entire being, and you just didn’t get that, did you? To you, it’s all just a big, meaningless game. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I actually cared about you?_

_You’re the boy who has meant the world to me since we were children._

_That’s why I can’t let go of you. I just know it._

_I wish you weren’t the person I met that night. I wish that what we had never existed._

_Ryeowook_

***

 

_Letter Count: 36_

_Oh shit._

_Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit._

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry._

_Why did I do that? Why the fuck did I do it again? My skin is raw from scrubbing at it with soap. I want his stench off of me. It’s like blood, though. No matter what I do, I can’t get rid of the act. I know that it’s my fault. I swear that I know I’m a wreck._

_You would probably be wondering how I can say I love you, but I’m fucking people like it’s no big deal. I…don’t know either, really._

_Kibum taught me a lot of things and now it’s just habit._

_First, don’t listen to useless people._

_Two, always listen to the people who are important and powerful, even if you hate them._

_Three, remember my priorities._

_Back then, my priorities were different. Now, I just want to be with you. That’s shallow and I get it. I really do. But…I do want to be with you. You make me lose my calm and I can’t get enough of that. When you’re around me, I don’t care about money or goods or anything else like that. All I need is you. All I feel like I’ll ever need is you._

_But…But then, I remember where I am._

_This is a different world from the one we met in. Here, I’m bound to people and habits and insanity. I want to break away, but how can I when I’m scared?_

_You might think it’s easy to just back away from something that makes you uncomfortable, but it’s not that easy. I don’t know how to get away because this is all I’ve ever known. I’m bound by these emotions and teachings and I can’t get past it._

_I’m so frustrated. I’m tired. I’m sick._

_You probably hate me. I hate me, too._

_I’m sorry though. God, I’m sorry. My head is hurting. The alcohol is making me nauseated._

_Fuck._

_Kyuhyun_

_P.S. I’ll see you sometime soon, won’t I? Please say yes. Or well, I’ll hope that you’re saying yes, because I know you’re not going to read this. If fate pulled us together like this, then I’m just going to wait until the day fate decides we’re ready to see one another. Hopefully, that’s soon._

_Oh, and good night. Sleep well where ever you are, Ryeowook._


	10. 10

 

The room was utterly dim and silent, except for the soft scratching of a pen against paper. Through the hallway windows, pale blue morning light spilled in, pooling around the open doorway of Kyuhyun’s dorm room. He ignored it, setting the pen down and folding the paper fluidly.

Tucking the letter into an envelope, he sealed it and scribbled two numbers on the back: _52_. Kyuhyun dropped the letter into a growing bag, prepared to send them all out before heading to class. There was an acute pounding in the back of his head, but he had been ignoring it for the past several hours. The last thing he wanted to do was waste another ounce of time on sleeping while knowing that Ryeowook was nowhere near forgiving him.

Three soft raps at the door snapped him out of his frenzy. Kyuhyun looked over with shadowed eyes, cheeks appearing sunken in and pale from the sleepless night. “What do you want?” he sighed, staring at the prodigious violinist.

Henry returned the gaze without anything close to the same intensity. In fact, he seemed like he was a little disoriented. “Uhm…I,” he swallowed and then began again, “I was wondering if we could talk?”

“What do you want to talk to me about?” Kyuhyun scoffed, grabbing his cup of coffee, only to realize that it was empty. Cursing under his breath, he turned back to the boy and waved him closer. Henry hesitantly came forward, watching as Kyuhyun plucked his hot chocolate out of hand.

He looked ready to complain, but then Kyuhyun shot him a look that silenced the boy. “You’re the only person that knows him better than I do,” Henry explained slowly, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

Quietly, Kyuhyun took another sip of the sweet drink, before putting it down on the table again. “Really? You must be seriously desperate if you’re coming to me,” he muttered, dark eyes casting down. “Did you suddenly throw out all your morals? What makes you think someone like me – a person who can hurt innocent little Ryeowook – would offer you any helpful advice?” Kyuhyun bit out with a harsh laugh.

“That was a long time ago,” Henry sighed, “Whatever is going on with you and Ryeowook is your business. I…don’t really talk to Ryeowook anymore, anyway.”

“But you know that he’s living in China, right?”

“What?” the boy blurted, body tensing up reflexively.

Kyuhyun smirked, leaning back in his chair, the wood creaking slightly. “Damn, Zhoumi really doesn’t let you get out.” He was about to taunt the boy more – half out of bitterness, and half out of pure crankiness – but then stopped when he noticed Henry flinch. Very slowly, Kyuhyun’s emotions faded away, replaced by a much more sober appearance. “Close the door,” he ordered softly.

Fumbling, Henry hurried to do as he was told. The lock clicked into place, but Henry wasn’t turning around. He rested his head against the wooden frame, heart racing faster and faster with each silent second.

“What happened?” Kyuhyun asked in a low voice, eyes focused on the shaking backside.

“U-Uhm…,” he laughed a little, fingers curling against the smooth door, “it’s probably nothing.” Henry shook his head, forehead scratching against the grains of the wood, “He just – Kyuhyun, what is Zhoumi normally like, y’know…when I’m not around and stuff?”

The wall mounted clock ticked away, growing louder in the space between them. “Well,” he paused, fingers twitching where they rested against his knees, “he’s brutal and judgmental. All of us are, though. What do you want to hear though?”

“The truth,” he answered immediately. Henry’s foot inched back, the sole of his shoe scratching the floor. “Maybe I deserved it,” he stated absently, “it’s bad that I still check my phone when Donghae texts me, isn’t it? Zhoumi thinks so.”

Kyuhyun reached out, grabbing Henry’s wrist. “Seriously, what did he do—?”

“—nothing I didn’t deserve!” Henry shouted defensively, snatching his arm away as if Kyuhyun had been trying to burn him. His eyes were wide when the momentarily connected with the other boy’s. “I…I’ve gotta go,” he said hastily, forcing the door open and practically running out of the room.

Kyuhyun called for him to stay, but the kid was already gone. Sighing, he stared at the open doorway for a long time, not wanting to make the assumption that was blaring neon in his mind. Zhoumi wouldn’t do that, would he? No, he probably was capable of it. Kyuhyun shook his head, deciding that he really didn’t want to get involved. What good would it do?

For whatever reason though, his chest ached at the thought of leaving the situation alone. Hadn’t Henry just dragged him into the situation? Kyuhyun raked fingers through his hair, brows knitting together in frustration. Looking around the room, he finally inhaled deeply and picked up his pen again. “If Henry comes back, then I’ll do something about it,” he decided, nodding.

Kyuhyun flattened out a fresh sheet of paper, scribbling in the name he adored so much. “Number 53,” he breathed, “I’ll get there, Ryeowook. Just wait.”

 


	11. 11

 

Ryeowook sat in front of his laptop, staring at Donghae through the webcam. The sky was dark out and he had a stack of letters beside him on the bed. In total, there were at least fifteen that had arrived just that afternoon. “Can you believe this?” he laughed, holding up what he could with just two hands. “I have no idea what Kyuhyun is thinking.”

“He’s probably thinking that he wants you to forgive him,” Donghae mused, eyes following the white, unopened letters. “Haven’t you ever felt like it was a waste for you to not read any of them?” he prompted.

The laughter subsided as Ryeowook’s features morphed into an expression that was much more thoughtful. “Well, sometimes I think that I should. But…I don’t think I want to.” He ran the pad of his thumb across the smooth envelope surface, finger hesitating as it grazed the harsh lines of Kyuhyun’s handwriting. It already made his heart race when he touched the number written on the back.

“Is it because you’ll forgive him too fast?” Donghae grinned.

“This isn’t a joke,” Ryeowook frowned, dismissing his nostalgic moment. “I just don’t think Kyuhyun is even trying anymore. I don’t want to waste my time by reading letters that are probably filled with fluffy nonsense meant to make me fall for him all over again.” He was quiet for a short second, “He’s sleeping with some other guy. He’s…just not even trying to change. I don’t want to feel any sympathy for someone like that.”

“Well, shouldn’t you give him something to gnaw on?” the man sighed, “I mean, anyone would grow hopeless if they didn’t receive even a tiny bit of acknowledgement. Ryeowook, as much as he hurt you, he’s still trying to get you back and it’s been over a year. You don’t have to get his hopes up, but at least show him that you’re still listening.”

“Why are you on his side all of a sudden?” Ryeowook grumbled, looking down as guilt began to fester in his stomach.

Donghae pursed his lips, but then exhaled. “You never know someone’s situation. There are things they have to deal with that we could never understand completely. I’m just starting to realize that. Although we see things from our side, we can’t possibly imagine what sort of circumstances they have to deal with.”

“Have you been studying psychology?” Ryeowook blinked.

“Oh shut up,” Donghae retorted, “no I haven’t. Am I not allowed to mature?”

“You can mature all you want,” he responded, resting his head on his arms, “But it’s not like you to suddenly have thoughts like that. What happened?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he sighed, “just…don’t judge Kyuhyun because of one thing. He’s really trying. I can tell.” Donghae nodded towards the envelopes. “Someone who doesn’t care wouldn’t dare to write that many letters. So, I guess, give him something. It doesn’t matter what it is, just _something_.”

Ryeowook wanted to argue with him more, but then his phone was buzzing. Cutting himself off, he picked it up, checking the new text message.

 

**From: Kibum**

**Do you want to go an open mic night?**

“What’s with that face?” Donghae teased.

The boy forced his expression down, but couldn’t help the twitch of his mouth as it tried to curve up in a smile. “Nothing…,” Ryeowook trailed off, opening up a reply window and typing:

 

**To: Kibum**

**Where is it? What is it?**

“That is so not a ‘nothing’ face,” he rolled his eyes, “Who is it?”

“Kibum,” Ryeowook answered, cheeks tinted red. He glanced up at the virtual Donghae, “we’ve been hanging out a lot since I don’t know many people around here.”

 

**From: Kibum**

**An open mic night is where people go onstage at a local coffee shop and read poetry, story excerpts, and sing songs or play music. I thought you might like it. We would be going around 7. Is that okay?**

Donghae smirked. “Hmm…looks like Kyuhyun has competition.”

“He doesn’t have competition,” he argued, only then stopping himself and adding, “or well, Kyuhyun…I mean, I don’t think that he’s that much better than everyone—”

“Just stop,” he shook his head, “good luck with all of that then. I’m going to get some rest.” Donghae waved goodbye, saying, “Don’t forget to do something for Kyuhyun. Night.”

 

**To: Kibum**

**That sounds cool! Okay, I’ll meet you in the lobby at 7 then!**

**From: Kibum**

**Good. See you then.**

***

 

It was true to an extent. Donghae really hadn’t been getting his opinions from any textbook. Swallowing carefully, he pressed the contact name, watching as a webcam window popped up with the loading symbol.

A second later, a youthful face appeared on the screen. Donghae’s heart stuttered, but he ignored it, not wanting to scare the boy off. “Hey,” he greeted softly, not realizing how intently he was studying that face. How could anyone’s skin be that white and smooth? Donghae shook the thoughts away, eyes averting themselves.

“Hi,” Henry responded equally soft. “Why did you want to talk like this?”

“I’m not sure,” Donghae admitted, “I’m really surprised that you agreed.”

“It’s been a while since we’ve spoken,” he explained, looking down, “…and I don’t think I treated you right back then. I wouldn’t even hear you out. I’m sorry.”

Donghae shook his head quickly, hands waving in the air. “Don’t apologize!” he stated vehemently, “Really…,” his voice grew quieter, “don’t apologize for that. I was being immature back then. It didn’t seem like a big deal at the time, but I know that I was horrible to you. So, thank you for apologizing, but please don’t do that. It’s my fault more than anyone’s.”

“You know,” Henry began, “I’m not completely innocent either. I didn’t tell you about Zhoumi,” his words shook slightly, “Even if you were doing things with Sungmin, I don’t think that’s as bad as falling back in love with…well, with someone else.” Henry didn’t want to look up and see the expression on Donghae’s face. “You and Sungmin were just having fun – and I think all of us knew that. But, what I was doing wasn’t for fun. I made a backup in case you left me, Donghae. So what if I was right? That doesn’t matter.”

“Please stop,” Donghae interrupted.

Henry’s head shot up, eyes wide.

The older boy was gazing at him sadly, hand rising as if he wanted to touch the boy through the computer. “If you’re going to cry, then I don’t want to hear it.”

Without thinking, Henry touched his face and then quickly started wiping away the tears. “No, I have to get this out,” he mumbled, sobs breaking his words. “I’m sorry,” he cried, covering his eyes, “T-The first time I told you I-I love you…do you r-remember that?”

Donghae nodded just once, every fiber of his being screaming to turn away before it all hurt too much. He would never forget that night though.

They had been standing in front of his house, the sky was clear, and the breeze was warm. Henry had been waiting there and then he spoke those three words. Donghae still recalled that sudden rush of excitement that had rolled through his body. Although he hadn’t been able to utter a sound when Henry said that, all Donghae could think about that night were those three beautiful words. Someone loved him. Someone truly loved him.

At that age, that’s all he cared about. Donghae had experienced what it was like to be loved. What else could he want? Mutual love? Obviously not. Back then, it was all about isolated situations and experiences. Now that someone had truly fallen in love with him, he didn’t need anything else, thus leading to the Sungmin ordeal. Thinking back on it though, Donghae really wondered just how stupid he could’ve been for being like that.

“Yeah, I remember,” he answered almost inaudibly. _Please don’t say it…please…_

“I was on the phone with Zhoumi,” Henry croaked, still covering his eyes, “h-he wouldn’t let me hang up until I t-told him I—”

_—please don’t take it away from me._

“—love him.”

Donghae smiled at Henry. “Don’t cry anymore,” he said gently, “it’s not a big deal.” _Fuck._ “You don’t need to be worried about something like that.” _It was never for me._ Donghae continued watching the boy, not letting his face or eyes waver, “I mean…I wasn’t even all that concerned at the time.” _Fuck it all. Fuck Zhoumi._ “Besides, you shouldn’t regret telling the person you really love, that, well, you love him.”

Henry wiped away the last of the tears, suddenly returning the smile, albeit crookedly. “You’re really nice, hyung,” he managed, laughing a little. “Thank you,” Henry whispered, “I…guess I do love him in the end, no matter what he does.”

“What do you mean by that?” Donghae asked, cursing internally at how excited he was for that measly glimmer of hope.

“Don’t worry about it,” Henry flashed a soft grin, “it’s nothing.” His head turned to the side and then he looked back at Donghae. “We should talk again soon. I really do miss you, hyung.”

“I have time tomorrow night…uhm, after dance practice,” he answered, body tense.

The boy nodded. “Okay, then same time tomorrow I guess,” he chuckled. “Thank you.”

“Yeah,” he smiled awkwardly, “yeah, of course. I’ll see you then.”

“Okay,” Henry waved goodbye, “Good night, hyung.”

“Ah, good night,” Donghae returned the wave, before watching the screen go black. Suddenly, he dropped his head to the desk, jaw clenching. “What is wrong with me?” he sighed.

 


	12. 12

 

_Letter Count: 71_

“What’s up with you?” Zhoumi snorted, looking at Kyuhyun oddly. Henry was seated in the tall male’s lap, arms around his neck, head leaning softly against his shoulder. The boy appeared to be dozing, eyes already half closed. Zhoumi glanced down at the precious person sitting on him and smiled faintly. Gently, he brushed a kiss against Henry’s hair before turning back to Kyuhyun for an answer.

 _Maybe it really was nothing_. Kyuhyun shrugged the thought off. “Nothing is up with me,” he argued, breaking into a grin nonetheless.

“Yeah, okay,” he cocked an eyebrow, “because you smile like a fool all the time.”

“Shut up, man,” he laughed, standing up and reaching for his cup on the table. Suddenly, he froze though and dropped his arm.

Zhoumi’s eyes fluttered in surprise. Before he could ask anything though, Henry stared snoring softly and then Zhoumi sighed. Hooking his arm underneath the boy’s knees, he drew him up and started carrying him towards the bedroom. “You can stick around if you want. I’m gonna get Henry to bed,” he stated.

“Naw, I think I have to start heading out,” Kyuhyun responded, walking to the entrance hall and grabbing his shoes.

“Really?” Zhoumi called. A moment later, the tall man was coming up behind his friend. “What’s gotten into you? Not finishing your wine? Going home early?”

“There’s nothing even going on here tonight,” he insisted, “There’s nothing that you should be freaked out about.”

“That’s really what you think? I’ve known you for a million years and I’ve never seen you acting like such a goodie-goodie. You didn’t even hook up with one person tonight.”

“It was just a small party,” Kyuhyun responded defensively, “Everyone was out of here by two o’clock.”

“And in that time, you didn’t get it on with anyone,” Zhoumi shot back, “You’re always all over _someone_. So what the hell is going on?”

“Look, I have to get going,” he answered sharply, “I’ll see you later or something.”

“Whatever,” he waved him off dismissively and headed back towards the bedroom. “See you.”

“Bye,” Kyuhyun muttered, slamming the door shut behind him.

 

Walking down the road, he hummed a soft tune to himself, unable to stop the grin now. He stopped in the middle of an empty campus street and suddenly whistled as loud as he could, arms flinging out to either side as he spun in languid circles. Laughter bubbled up and into the night air, imaginary colors danced around him, and the trees rustled like echoes of his own happiness.

“Do you see this world?” he shouted, pulling out a tiny slip of paper. Kyuhyun waved it around as if it was the greatest trophy to have ever existed.

Unfolding it, he cleared his throat, reciting in a clear and loud voice:

 

“Kyuhyun, only 929 letters left. - Ryeowook”

 

Dropping his arm, he looked up to the heavens triumphantly. “Suck it bitches!” he cried out, “He _responded!_ He fucking responded!” Kyuhyun laughed almost hysterically, all of his emotions pouring out like no one’s business.

Suddenly, he stopped and spun around, eyes searching the quiet darkness for eavesdroppers. Normally, that was when someone like Zhoumi or Kibum popped up out of nowhere. Apparently, they were being kind that night. Kyuhyun smirked and made a flourish with his arms again, eyes closing as he breathed in deeply. “Yes…,” he breathed, “Finally…”

 

Ryeowook had woken up in the middle of the night with a need to use the bathroom. Hurrying down the hall, he arrived in the tiled room, only to stumble up to one of the wall mounted urinals half asleep. Doing his business quickly, he washed his hands and dried them off with a one track mind to get back to bed as soon as possible.

Abruptly, he staggered to a halt at the sound of an obnoxiously loud voice outside. Frowning, Ryeowook walked over to an open window, squinting past the sleep and bleariness to see who the hell could be screaming at the top of his lungs that early in the morning.

“Suck it bitches! He responded! He _fucking_ responded!”

Why did that voice sound so familiar? Ryeowook rubbed his head, trying to think of who it could possibly be. Unfortunately, the person didn’t shout anything else. “Weird,” he yawned, stepping away from the window to head back to bed.

Just as his head hit the pillow, the name came to his mind. Ryeowook smiled unconsciously. _Kyuhyun…_

“Silly,” he mumbled drowsily, snuggling deeper into his blankets.

 

***

 

_Dear Ryeowook,_

_Guess what? I didn’t drink anything at a party today. The last time I drank was the night you sent me that note, but I didn’t drink much, as I’ve told you before. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I am really changing._

_There haven’t been anymore fuck ups and I’ll keep pushing myself, because right now, Kibum is a little distracted. I have no idea why, but he hasn’t been pushing me to do stuff recently. It sounds weird, but I have a hard time denying him._

_It’s like I have an obedience chip implanted in me. When he says something, I never want to do it, but I have this need to do it. If the task isn’t completely outrageous, I just…I want to please him. There’s no real logical reason, it’s just a gut feeling that I get._

_How can I explain it to make it sound good? There’s no way, I’m sure._

_I’m doing my best to break away now though. I want your true approval, not just a simple note. Even if it takes me forever, I’m going to get you to meet me again. And you know what, before I wanted to see your face no matter the circumstances._

_Now though, I think I get it._

_I don’t need to see your face for reassurance. All I have to do is have faith in you and hope with all my might that I won’t be too late._

_You’re the reason I’m working so hard to change, Ryeowook. No one else matters when it comes to this. So just…hold on._

_Love,_

_Kyuhyun_


	13. 13

 

_Kibum came up behind Ryeowook, peering over the boy’s shoulder. There was a music composition notebook in his lap, as well as several scribbles everywhere across the page. “Having trouble?” he questioned, smiling._

_“I’m just trying to figure out how to express this emotion,” Ryeowook explained, leaning back against the male’s stomach. He tilted his head up, grinning softly at Kibum._

_The latter rested his hand on Ryeowook’s shoulder, chuckling silently at the soft head of hair pressed against his sweater. “What emotion?” Kibum murmured, eyes cast onto the paper._

_Looking back down, Ryeowook said, “It’s sadness.” Clicking the pen a few times, he bit his lip, “I know what it’s like to be sad, but those are just scars now. I don’t actually remember what acute pain feels like.”_

_Kibum nodded carefully, black hair falling over his handsome features. “Well, what about thinking of Kyuhyun?” He waited for a reaction, but when he didn’t receive the expected one, surprise flitted across his face. “Hmm?”_

_Ryeowook smiled slightly. “We…aren’t on good terms, but he’s been working hard. I can tell.” He played with the edge of the notebook, “Plus, I’ve been talking to a friend of mine recently, and he’s been pushing me to talk with Kyuhyun. It seems like it’s been working because—”_

_“—I get it,” Kibum cut in with that gentle, lulling voice. He knelt down beside Ryeowook then, eyes scanning over the composition again. “Can I just give you a bit of warning, though?”_

_“What?” Ryeowook asked before thinking._

_“Kyuhyun…,” he bit his lip, “isn’t someone you should put your trust into so easily. He’s very quick to change his mind and do as he pleases. I love him and care for him deeply,” Kibum assured, “but I don’t want to watch him hurt someone like you again.” He sighed, “You’re really too nice, Ryeowook,” he smiled humorlessly, “someone so innocent is so easily played with.”_

_“You’re friends with him though. Doesn’t that mean you’re just like them?” Ryeowook didn’t know why he was attacking Kibum to defend Kyuhyun. It didn’t make any sense, especially when he considered how different the two of them were._

_Kibum looked up at Ryeowook, gaze dark and shining with something. “And…what if I was?” He tilted his head, unfazed when the other boy’s eyes widened. What if I told you right now that I’m just like him? That I’ve been using you for my own purposes?” Kibum kept his voice low and somber. “That…to me, you’re just another play thing. I’m using you for my own means and you just have no idea.”_

_“W-What?”_

_“You’re a fool, Ryeowook,” Kibum stated, clearly. “When I look at you, I only see a bumbling country boy who doesn’t know how to keep his nose out of the affairs of people who should spit on you when they’re walking by.”_

_Tears were dripping down Ryeowook’s face then, lips parted in unspoken words. His face crumpled, eyes shutting as sobs made his chest quiver._

_Kibum’s cold face melted away in an instant and then he was reaching up, holding the crying boy’s face. Hushing him gently, Kibum pulled Ryeowook towards him, the boy stumbling off the seat and into the male’s arms. “Sorry, I’m sorry,” he apologized, pressing the tears away as best he could. “I didn’t mean…ah, well, I—”_

_“Why would you say that?!” Ryeowook wailed, clinging onto the other boy’s shirt. “T-That was really mean…,” he sobbed, unable to stop the laughter that mixed into his voice._

_Kibum ran his fingers through Ryeowook’s hair, trying to calm him down. “Sorry,” he cooed, tilting the boy’s face up. Those red eyes opened a bit and Kibum flashed him a soft smile. “You know what sadness feels like now, right?” An annoyed cry was his answer, but Kibum took it as a reluctant agreement. “See? Then there was something good that came out of this.”_

_“Not much…,” Ryeowook muttered, “b-besides, you said a lot—”_

_“—just forget about it,” Kibum interrupted, holding the tear stained face up, “Trust me, I was just doing that to help you get a grasp for the feelings of sadness.” He took a silent breath, eyes lowering over those features._

_Ryeowook lifted his gaze up, returning the look quietly, questioningly._

_The room seemed to grow hazy around the edges, his entire field of vision being consumed by Kibum. “Ryeowook…,” he mouthed, before suddenly the space between them vanished, and soft lips were pressing against his—_

 

Ryeowook jolted awake, eyes wide and heart pounding. Looking around, he had to get a grip on his surroundings before flopping back down on the bed. Why had he dreamt about something so strange? Closing his eyes, he tried to catch his breath, unable to get rid of the feeling of those soft lips against his.

“What sort of dream is that?” he muttered to himself, trying to understand what exactly had just happened.

Turning his head to one side, he saw the desk and then slowly climbed out of bed. Ryeowook stumbled over to the chair, sitting down and grabbing a pen and paper.

 

_Unsent Letter 12_

_Dear Kyuhyun,_

_I had a weird dream. I don’t understand it. Kibum kissed me and before that he was saying all of these cruel things. But, I wonder why I felt like I was betraying you, Kyuhyun._

_The moment our lips touched in that dream, I shot awake._

_It didn’t seem right. Maybe no one else will ever feel as right as you did._

_Somehow, I know that that’s the truth._

_If it’s not you, Kyuhyun, I can’t be happy with anyone else._

_So…how many letters are you at now? 102? 104? I hope you’re writing fast because I want to forgive you. God, I want to forgive you._

_If that dream was about you and me, I don’t think I would ever want to wake up. You make every world I’m in wonderful and beautiful and perfect. You’re my happy place, Kyuhyun. No matter how much you hurt me, I know that deep down I’m probably your happy place too._

_That’s why you’re trying so hard to win me back, isn’t that right? You want your happy place back._

_I do, too._

_Keep writing, Kyuhyun._

_Love,_

_Ryeowook_

 


	14. 14

 

Zhoumi briskly grabbed his coat and scarf, striding to the door. Behind him, he could hear Henry running. Just as a hand rested on Zhoumi’s arm, he yanked it away, glowering angrily at his lover. “Don’t _touch_ me with those disgusting hands,” he spat.

“No, please, Zhoumi,” Henry argued, pulling his hand away from the violent jerking, “I swear that it isn’t like that—!”

“—it isn’t like that?” he scoffed. “So you aren’t talking to the man you used to be in love with?”

“I never told him I love him!” he shouted.

“You _lived_ with him,” Zhoumi snapped, “obviously there has to be some unresolved connection there. Go ahead and do whatever the hell you want with that man. I don’t care. Just get your fucking stuff out of this place before I get back.”

Henry sobbed out loud, grabbing onto his lover’s jacket, eyes shut tightly. “No, _please_ Zhoumi! Don’t leave me alone,” he whimpered, “I…I don’t want to be alone…”

“You should’ve thought about that before doing this shit,” he answered coldly, shoving the boy off. Zhoumi watched him crash into the floor, smirking at the pained groan.

Walking over, he crouched down beside Henry’s body. Fingers curling in his shirt collar, Zhoumi raised his fist, slamming it roughly into Henry’s cheek. “Are you still going to talk to him tonight?” He punched the boy again, “Will he want to look at your ugly swollen face?” Releasing him, he stood up. “I might be the only person who would still love you even when you look like that, but if you don’t pull your act together, even I’m not going to here anymore.” Shaking his head in revulsion, Zhoumi walked to the door, opening it and shutting it behind him.

Henry couldn’t feel the tears coming anymore. Instead, he could feel blood bubbling up from his split lip. _It could be worse…_ He wiped up the red mess, his face stinging too much to move. Not to mention, there was a dull pain in his back from where he had crashed into the floor.

The phone rang suddenly, and he picked it up after a second’s hesitation. “Hello?” he spoke hoarsely into the device.

“Where are you? Could you not get online tonight?” Donghae’s worried voice asked.

And then, without warning, the tears were spilling down his face again, cutting into the raw bruises. Henry tried to muffle the noise, but Donghae had already heard. The phone was silent, but then it slowly became louder and clearer with the older male’s voice.

“You’re going to tell me what’s wrong, okay Henry?” he whispered as gently as he knew how. “No…no, I’m not,” he sputtered, lips shaking. _I did this with Zhoumi last time…I know what happens when I go to another guy for help…_ “I-I’m not going to betray him. I-I don’t want to betray anyone e-ever again—”

“—what are you talking about—”

“—thank you for talking to me this long,” Henry interrupted unsteadily, burying his face in his knees, “I…don’t need it though.”

“You can’t be breaking up with me twice over the phone,” Donghae snapped, “and this time, we’re not even together! We’re just friends, why do you always push me away?”

“I don’t need you for support,” he answered hollowly. Henry tried to silence the tremors of his fingers. “I don’t _want_ you.”

 

Donghae listened to silence for what felt like forever. The call had ended, but the phone was still pressed against his ear – unable to transmit anything anymore.

 Why had he fallen in love with someone like Henry? The boy was so sensitive and weak and bright and strong all at the same time. His reactions were always mysterious and his actions themselves were always the opposite of what he wanted.

_Thank you for taking care of me this long. I truly appreciate it. Goodbye, hyung._

“You never wanted to leave me,” he muttered, “You just wanted me to stay.”

Donghae closed his eyes, resting his head on the pillow.

 _I don’t_ want _you._

“Does that mean you want me, still?”

Laughing without the tiniest bit of humor, he rolled over and grabbed a crinkled flyer from his dance bag. Donghae smoothed out the surface, skimming over the words like he had done so many times:

 

WANT TO BE PART OF AN INTERNATIONAL GROUP?

WANT TO WIN A SCHOLARSHIP?

WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD?

 

_Come audition for the Sapphire Blue Performing Troupe!_

_The scholarship is $15,000 (may vary) for any successful auditions!_

_We travel all across Asia for three months, so come and join us!_

_Open Audition Details:_

_November 10, 2012_

_Studio SFS @ 7:00 A.M._

“I could win,” he smiled a little, dropping the paper, “and then I could see Henry.” Donghae sighed, closing his eyes once more and relaxing into the bed. He was done listening to what the boy had to say. Everything was clear to him now. Or well, sort of clear to him.

All he knew was that Henry didn’t mean what he had said either time. If it hadn’t been for Donghae, then they would still be together. That’s what was important.

_I’ll redeem myself._

 

***

 

“You’re hitting him now?” Kibum cracked an amused smile. He crushed the cigarette in a tray. “Why?”

Zhoumi slumped forward on the table, looking up at the other man. “I don’t know. It’s just a reaction to what he does. There’s nothing else I can think to do so he understands what I feel.” He ground his teeth together. “…Henry is still talking to that low-life country whore. I fucking don’t get it. What’s so special about that trash?”

“Nothing, Zhoumi,” his friend responded. “There’s nobody better than you, promise.”

“Your sarcasm is unnecessary,” he growled.

Kibum clicked his tongue, resting a hand on the man’s hair. “It’s not sarcasm. If Henry wants to spend time with low class folk, then why should you keep trying to keep him by your side? He’s just going to keep hurting you.” He leaned forward, fingers dipping between the silken black locks. “Get it?”

“I love him, though,” Zhoumi whispered, hands closing into fists, “I love him so much. I don’t want anyone to see him or think that he’s beautiful. He’s mine, Kibum. You get that, don’t you?”

The man’s expression was remote, dark eyes focused on a blank spot. “…Is it such a bad thing?”

“It’s really bad, actually,” Kibum answered, “you don’t actually love him, if you’re simply obsessed with him. I’ve told you this countless times, Zhoumi.” He stroked the male’s cheek, “You’re just wasting your time on that boy. He’s equally filthy to that whore in Korea.”

Very slowly, teardrops trickled down his face, eyes unblinking. “…Henry has always been with me. We—”

“—this happened three years ago,” Kibum interrupted sharply, “he’s not going to change. He doesn’t feel that way towards you, so just let him go already.” He forced Zhoumi to lift his head. Eyes focusing on those liquefied pools, he stroked the male’s cheeks. “You understand me, don’t you? I’m only looking out for you. I want you to find happiness with someone else.”

“And who could be better than Henry?” he scoffed bitterly.

Kibum seemed to swallow the name that first came to his head, and then went on to say, “You’re close to plenty of other people. There’s surely someone better for you. Here, I’m going to a closed party tomorrow night. Come with me and we’ll find someone for you, hmm?”

“I don’t get you, Kibum,” Zhoumi sighed, closing his hands over the ones holding his face, “why can’t I tell when you’re being nice?”

“Because I’m always kind,” he answered in all seriousness, “but,” Kibum leaned forward, resting his head against the slender male’s forehead, “I’m just kind to meet my own selfish desires. That’s probably what makes it much less sincere.”

“You admit things so openly,” he laughed softly.

Carefully, Kibum pressed a kiss to Zhoumi’s lips, lingering for a moment longer than he should have. “There’s someone out there for you, and it’s not Henry,” he assured once more, eyes softening for the faintest of seconds.

Zhoumi nodded almost invisibly. Pulling away from the handsome man, he grabbed his jacket and scarf, “I should head back to my apartment now. I bet Henry hasn’t left yet.” Without another word, he walked away, leaving behind what he couldn’t see.

The door shut with a click and Kibum sat there for a while, simply contemplating. Leaning his head on one palm, he exhaled. “…You’re so blind, Zhoumi,” he mumbled.

 


	15. 15

 

“What the fuck happened to your face?” Kyuhyun deadpanned. He grabbed Henry by the arm, pulling him out of the classroom. They hurried down the hallway, stopping in an abandoned side corridor. Turning around, Kyuhyun settled his gaze back on the boy. “So?”

The bruising was dark and swollen, taking up one half of Henry’s face. “It’s nothing,” he mumbled, looking away.

“I swear, you better tell me now before I give you a matching mark on the other side,” Kyuhyun retorted, crossing his arms.

“Yeah,” Henry rolled his eyes, wincing at the sore face muscles, “because that’s how you convince someone to tell you something.”

“Okay, let me explain something to you,” his mouth quivered as he tried to control his expression, “You came to me first. I let it go the first time, but it’s out of the question that I would let it pass a second time. I’m not a role model or even a nice person,” Kyuhyun smirked, “as you probably know. Anyway, I’m neither of those things, but I’m doing what I can to change that.”

Henry grimaced. “Selfish kindness…,” he touched his bruised face, “Don’t give me that. You might think that you’re getting better, but you’re not. Being kind only to help yourself is exactly what Kibum does.”

The boy stiffened, fingers closing into fists slowly.

“I don’t normally speak this bluntly,” Henry explained in a softer voice, “you know that, though. I…just want you to realize that you’re not succeeding in whatever mission you’re aiming to accomplish.” The ghost of a smile crossed his lips. “I could probably guess who your driving force is in the end.”

“Talking big all of a sudden?” Kyuhyun finally responded, eyebrows rising. “If you’re going to make judgments about me, then let me do the same to you.” He closed the gap between them with his hand, one finger uncurling from his fist to point at Henry. “Get your shit together. Don’t try and throw everything back on me, so you can avoid facing your problems. Whatever is going on with that bruise, which, by the way,” he didn’t smirk or even attempt to make a joke out of it, “has a pretty obvious owner, needs to stop.”

Before Henry could rebut anything, Kyuhyun glared at him, forcing the boy into silence. “So what if I’m going down the path to becoming Kibum? You’re going down the path of a useless martyr. We equally suck.”

Sighing heavily, he slumped down, resting against the wall with his head buried in his drawn up knees. “You get it, don’t you? That horrible need to _please_ them,” he breathed, frustration evident in the tremors. “It’s like being suffocated. I…I don’t even know how to begin getting away.”

Kyuhyun let his arms drop slackly, suddenly feeling weight upon weight barreling down on his shoulders. “Yeah…I get it,” he murmured, leaning his head back, legs stretched out in front of him. “I really, really get it.”

“No matter what you tell yourself, their words still hurt,” Henry squeezed his eyes shut, ignoring the roaring pain from his bruised cheek. “I keep trying and trying to make myself indifferent, but every time he opens his mouth—” his voice caught in throat, a weak choking noise following. Henry took a deep breath, recollecting himself, “Every time he opens his mouth,” he said slowly, “I just know that he’ll make me unbelievably happy, or unforgettably upset.”

Kyuhyun wondered – not for the first time – why he had never spoken to Henry. They were so similar. Then again, maybe that was the biggest reason. If he befriended the kid, that would mean accepting his own pitiful weaknesses. Kyuhyun could splurge about how much his life sucked, but he never faced it head on – truly came to terms with his situation.

This was real.

They weren’t just fucked up anymore. It had become a cocoon: the first step in an unwanted metamorphosis. Kyuhyun shivered at the mere thought, fear trickling down his spine. How often had he stayed up late into the night, haunted by Kibum’s taunts and emotions?

Glancing over at Henry, he wondered just how many times he had been left scorched by Zhoumi. In his case though, Kyuhyun doubted Zhoumi was wrapping him up nicely for a transformation.

This was different.  

By the looks of it, his friend was binding Henry in a web so smooth and comforting, yet painful and anticipating at the same time. That was Zhoumi’s definition of love though. It had to be a power game – just like Kibum. Kyuhyun wouldn’t deny that he had, at one point, seen Zhoumi as the stage prior to becoming a “Kim Kibum” character.

“I convinced myself that being hit isn’t a bad thing,” Henry stated softly, “that’s bad, right?”

“Is that even a real question?” Kyuhyun turned his head, looking back at the sideways boy.

The latter shook his head with a bitter smile. Shifting, he directed his gaze towards the opposing wall. “A year ago, I broke up with Donghae because he didn’t want to be with me anymore. And now, I’m still dreaming about him,” his voice cracked at the end. Henry laughed out of reaction more than anything, “When I think about him, I don’t see him cheating or being unable to return my feelings. For me, Donghae is the first person who didn’t want to take care of me. He’s the only person who wants to hold my hand and make every mistake and achievement right beside me.”

Henry was quiet for a second, the tense muscles loosening bit by bit, “…He isn’t leading me. He isn’t trying to protect me. He just wants to be where I am.” His eyes glazed over, lips parted faintly. “If Zhoumi…views love as possession and owner, then I view love as being what I had with…Donghae.” Exhaling, he gently closed his eyes, mumbling, “What about you, Kyuhyun? What do you view love as?”

The question wasn’t shocking, but he hadn’t really considered any answer. As strange as it sounded, he had been enraptured by what the boy told him. Kyuhyun wasn’t used to such honesty, especially in China. It made him feel like he was back in Ryeowook’s little hometown, hanging out with his friends and playing games without a care in the world. They could talk about anything and everything, all day and night. But, he doubted that that would ever happen again. That illusion was built on unchangeable lies. Kyuhyun understood that already.

“Love?” he repeated, pressing his hands together absently. “Love is…”

“What?” Henry prompted in a whisper.

Kyuhyun smiled suddenly, not looking at anything, “Love is freedom – freedom to breathe, dream, strive…love is sitting at my table writing to Ryeowook…love,” he pulled his knees up, resting his head on one leg, “Love is definitely Ryeowook. He is the definition of happiness, affection, warmth, beauty, kindness…,” Kyuhyun nodded to himself, “yeah…he’s everything that’s great about this world.”

Henry covered his face, unable to stop the heat that crawled up his face from such a confession. It was the first time he had seen Kyuhyun so sincerely honest. If that was how he felt, how did Ryeowook feel? Were they on the same wavelength? Henry was itching to know, but he suppressed the urge, knowing that it wasn’t his business.

“That’s…incredible,” he finally stated.

Kyuhyun placed his hand on the boy’s head, ruffling his hair lightly. “I’ve never told anyone that.”

A smile worked its way onto Henry’s face.

“You must be pretty special,” Kyuhyun teased.

“Do you think we should head back to class?” he suddenly asked.

The boy scoffed, “It’s a little late.”

“Well, I guess I would mind just sitting here for a while,” Henry hummed a tune, grinning.

Kyuhyun didn’t say anything, simply returning the smile faintly.

 

 


	16. 16

 

_Unsent Letter 17_

_Dear Kyuhyun_

 

The trees were already dyed red, gold and brown. A chilly gust of wind sliced at Ryeowook’s face as he pushed his way through the campus to his class. Thank goodness for his muffler, though. For a mere moment, the wind died down, allowing him to catch his breath. Ryeowook opened his eyes, blinking a few times. The building was just ahead.

Nodding to himself, he went onward, holding his book bag against his body. A few seconds later, he was stumbling through the doors, shuffling quickly to his class.

 

_Today was a strange day – mainly because of how much I thought about you. Sometimes, I think about how funny it is that we live so close to one another now, but we haven’t run into one another almost at all. I mean, there was this one time when you were screaming in the middle of the night, but maybe that was a dream._

There was a letter held tightly in one of his hands, Ryeowook wasn’t sure why he had held onto it throughout that treacherous autumn walk. Shaking away the confusion, he slipped into his literature room, surprised and nearly heartbroken when he saw the day’s assignment on the board:

 

**Poetry Reading Today!**

 

How had he forgotten about it? Ryeowook slumped down in his seat, taking a few deep breaths before starting to dig through his papers for something – anything really – to read.

_The reason that I’m writing this is because I was digging through my old box of memories and came across something that reminded me of you. To be fair though, everything reminds me of you._

If he hadn’t woken up so late, maybe it would’ve been alright. Then again, maybe it wouldn’t have. Ryeowook glowered at the crumpled letter, hating himself for having gotten sentimental. It was a rather old note from Kyuhyun – one that dated at least four years ago.

He had only been looking through his stuff due to a sudden spat of homesickness, but then he had halted and hesitated upon seeing the letter that had touched him for so long. Out of everything he had ever received, that was the one capable of making his heart shake and his eyes widen no matter how many times the words poured through his mind.

 

_The thing that I found…was my favorite letter from you! It’s exciting isn’t it? I haven’t forgotten about it, but it did slip my mind._

 

“Are you ready, Ryeowook?” the teacher called.

“W-What?” he blinked, head snapping up.

“You’re first,” the man answered, “what are you waiting for? Hurry up.” The teacher stepped aside, beckoning for him to come down to the front of the class.

 

_Do you still remember how it goes?_

 

Looking down at the letter, he made a face, but then resigned to pick it up and unfold it as he walked to the front of the classroom. Ryeowook began speaking in a rapid, soft voice, but then the instructor stopped him with an incredulous look. “What are you doing?” he waved his hand, “Start over and enunciate. You’re reading poetry.”

 

_Here, I’ll write it down for you._

 

“Sorry,” he nodded his head. Nervously, Ryeowook skimmed over the letter again before starting to speak again:

 

_I dreamt of you, like I often do._

_Lights were bursting in the background._

_Your smile was bright like always._

_And then I sighed, because…_

 

Ryeowook let the tension from his shoulders fade.

 

_You looked at me,_

_With those innocent eyes,_

_That makes the world glow._

_Why am I telling you this?_

 

He smiled.

 

_It’s because I can._

_You drift through my mind,_

_Like an eternal cloud,_

_Without any concern for leaving,_

“’But don’t get me wrong,’” Ryeowook recited, “’I want you here. Occupy my mind, for as long as you want.’”

 

_That’s all I wanted to tell you. I hope that you’re doing well. I’ll see you in another several hundred letters, okay?_

_Ryeowook_

***

 

_“Did you hear me, Ryeowook?”_

_“What?” He opened his eyes, looking over at the boy beside him._

_“What were you thinking about just now?” Kyuhyun tilted his head in confusion, taking a bite of his Popsicle. The fireworks launched high into the sky beyond them, lighting up the night._

_Ryeowook shook his head, grinning. “What was your favorite letter I ever wrote for you?”_

_“Well, how would I know?” he made a face, leaning over until there was barely an inch between their faces. “There are still so many letters you haven’t written yet. I can’t pick right now.”_

_Thankful for the darkness, Ryeowook looked down, backing away from the handsome boy. “Is it bad that I don’t think I’ll ever love a letter more than one that you’ve already sent?”_

_“How can you be sure?” Kyuhyun didn’t seem convinced, reaching over to pinch his friend’s cheek._

_“It’s just a feeling. Trust me, I know that I’ve found it,” he smiled._

Kyuhyun slowly opened his eyes, heart beat calmly and rhythmic. Stretching his arms out, he stared up at the ceiling, replaying that memory in his dream. If he pushed on enough, then he could almost feel that soft cheek against his fingertips.

“So close…,” he mouthed.

_Dear Ryeowook,_

_I’m happy that you found something special in that letter. Now, I wish I still knew what I wrote that made you feel that way towards me._

_If I wrote it again and again, spoke it over and over, would you let us meet sooner?_

_It was a good dream though. I could almost touch you. I could hear your voice. I could smell the summer night._

_I will never stop dreaming about it, so I hope that you never stop either._

_After all, only 893 letters left, right?_

_Love,_

_Kyuhyun_


	17. 17

 

WANT TO BE PART OF AN INTERNATIONAL GROUP?

WANT TO WIN A SCHOLARSHIP?

WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD?

 

_Come audition for the Sapphire Blue Performing Troupe!_

_The scholarship is $15,000 (may vary) for any successful auditions!_

_We travel all across Asia for three months, so come and join us!_

_Open Audition Details:_

_November 10, 2012_

_Studio SFS @ 7:00 A.M._

 

 

Donghae looked up at the building, swallowing down the nervous lump in his throat. _Studio SFS…_ Looking around, he wasn’t surprised to see a line of college students waiting in equal anxiousness. Adjusting his dance bag on his shoulder, Donghae bumped up the volume on his MP3 and stepped into line behind a pair of chattering girls.

Keeping his sunglasses high up, he tried to ignore them, but their voices were making their way through his ear buds. Damn. Why didn’t he wear his big headphones? Stifling a sigh, Donghae shoved his hands into his pockets and looked around, trying to see what sort of competition was in store.

A majority of them seemed like nothing to worry about, but he could never be sure. Just as that thought crossed his mind, Donghae saw someone he never thought he would see again. Eyes widening behind the sunglasses, he pulled one ear bud out as if that would help him see better. Without thinking, he blurted out, “Eunhyuk?”

Some people turned his way, wondering who could be yelling across the lot. Donghae didn’t mind them though, gaze focused on the light brown haired man. _He dyed his hair a nice color._ Pausing, he shook away the weird thought and waited for Eunhyuk to turn around. When he did, those large black eyes flickered with recognition and then he was stepping out of line, moving back towards where Donghae was standing.

Heart speeding up, he waited in awkward stiffness for Eunhyuk to come into speaking distance. The latter came to a stop a few feet away, his black jacket zipped up and a backpack slung over his shoulder. “Why are you here?” Eunhyuk asked, curious.

“I…well, I want to get to China,” Donghae explained lamely, “Why are you here? I thought you were already going to college.”

“I am,” he nodded, “but any scholarship money could help my mom out, right?” Eunhyuk smiled a little, and shrugged.

As if having forgotten what the guy was like, Donghae shook his head and was about to apologize for being so thoughtless, but then Eunhyuk shook his head dismissively. “Ah…I get it,” he said after a moment. Donghae shifted his weight, rocking back and trying to calm the disbelief roiling through him. “So…uhm, how have you been?”

“I’ve been okay,” Eunhyuk nodded, eyes darting away for a split second, “There hasn’t been much going on. Just focusing on dancing and stuff.”

“Same, same,” Donghae agreed quickly.

They lapsed into a silence, before glancing at each other and laughing uncomfortably.

Eunhyuk sighed. “Can I be honest?”

“You always are.”

He smiled wryly. “Yeah, I guess I am.” Clearing his throat, he stuffed a hand into his pocket, “I don’t really know what to say to you. It’s been like a year and a half since we’ve even seen each other.”

“You would think that we would have more to talk about then,” Donghae joked, happy when he got a smile from the other male.

Eunhyuk pressed his lips together and then said, “I heard that Ryeowook is doing awesome.”

“He is…I think,” Donghae grinned, relaxing the tiniest bit, “the school he’s going to is really nice and I have a feeling that he’s finally getting over Kyuhyun.” Stopping abruptly, Donghae wondered why it wasn’t more uncomfortable. Yes, it was uncomfortable, but it felt more natural when they were talking about their friends – or whatever Ryeowook was to Eunhyuk nowadays.

Not seeming bothered, the latter nodded. “That’s good. He deserves better than Kyuhyun.”

Donghae moved forward in line, noting that Eunhyuk followed him. “What about your friends though? You know, the ones that you were hanging out with all senior year?”

“Different colleges,” he shrugged, unfazed, “I liked spending time with them, but it wasn’t really something I would be heartbroken over.” Eunhyuk flashed a smile.

“Were you ever heartbroken over anything?” Donghae asked without thinking.

It didn’t seem to affect the other male too much though – or at least, he was hiding it better than a year ago. “Well, maybe one or two things,” Eunhyuk laughed a little. He cupped his hands around his mouth, puffing hot air into his palms. “So…”

“So…?” Donghae repeated, brow furrowing.

“I’m trying to figure out why you called out to me,” he admitted.

“I don’t know either,” he responded sheepishly, “there was a part of me that just reacted, I guess. I mean, we’ve known each other for like ten years or something.”

“I just figured that you would be pissed at me for blowing you guys off,” Eunhyuk stated softly, “Really, I do think back on that stuff and I hate that I backed away when everything was fucked up. I mean it.”

Donghae smiled tightly, unable to really say that everything was forgiven. “I get it,” he said a bit tightly. When Eunhyuk didn’t look convinced, Donghae tried again, closing his eyes for a brief moment. “No, really, I get it. I was the cause of everything screwing up in our group. If I had been the peacemaker like you, I would’ve walked away, too.”

There was a silent statement in there though – one that expressed just how badly Eunhyuk had messed up for leaving.

“How’s Sungmin?” Donghae attempted, knowing that that was a touchy subject but unable to think of anything else to say.

“Singing,” he answered, “he emails me once in a while to tell me about his awards and stuff.” Eunhyuk snorted, “Show-off.”

“Guessing you guys found a way to be okay again?”

Smiling slightly, he didn’t meet Donghae’s eyes, “Yeah, you could say that. We’ve been friends for too long, probably.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s been way a while and your chance to apologize has expired,” Eunhyuk scoffed, eyes glinting with humor.

Donghae laughed, “Trust me, I’ve been repenting hardcore for the past year and something.”

“Has Henry forgiven you?” he cocked his head, brows drawing together faintly. The sudden edginess to Donghae’s posture was a pretty big hint. Eunhyuk didn’t say anything though, waiting for the other male to explain.

“I don’t know if he’s forgiven me, but I know that he still cares about me,” Donghae felt heat rising on his face, “…and there’s shit going down with him and Zhoumi.”

“Remind me who Zhoumi is again?” Eunhyuk felt a little wary at the prospect of getting pulled back in to everything, but in a way, he sort of wanted to be part of it again. These were the lives of his closest friends and no matter how much he wanted to deny that, it was the truth. Otherwise, why would he have responded to Donghae’s call? Why would Donghae have called out in the first place?

Complying, he explained, “Zhoumi is Henry’s ex. When I broke up with Henry, he decided to stay in China and…,” Donghae chuckled, but it sounded strained, “well, he got back together with him. But I don’t want to give up. I gave up back then, and after that many years, I still can’t stop thinking about him.”

“You’ve really grown up,” Eunhyuk mumbled, eyeing Donghae with respect.

“Too bad I had to mess everything up before this,” he muttered.

Carefully, Eunhyuk patted the other male’s shoulder. It was stiff and formal, but it was something. Donghae smiled.

They looked forward as they reached the front of the line. There was a person holding up pins for them and telling them to wait for their numbers to be called. Donghae glanced at Eunhyuk when they entered the large studio. An array of aspiring performers appeared before them in a large room.

Exchanging a nervous look, Donghae offered his fist with a goofy little grin. Eunhyuk rolled his eyes and bumped knuckles. “We got this, right?”

“Hope so,” Donghae sighed, tightening his grip on the strap of his bag.

 


	18. 18

 

Kyuhyun twirled the pen in between fingers. Wind whistled outside, making the glass panels shudder. Frowning, he rested his head on the wooden table, taking a deep breath as he blinked once, then twice. A half written letter rested underneath his head, seemingly taunting him.

It wasn’t that he didn’t know what else to say to Ryeowook, it was more like he had no inspiration to write something meaningful. Everything he wanted to say was along the same lines and no matter how he imagined it, he had a feeling the words just wouldn’t come out sincere enough.

Sighing, he crumpled the paper and stood up. Just as he was about to pull his jacket on, the phone resting on the desk vibrated. Heart stopping, Kyuhyun glanced down at the name. His body itched to reach out and answer the call out of obligation, but then he froze, knowing that if he did that, his conversation with Henry really would’ve just been pure crap.

It really did feel like he was suffocating though. Kyuhyun almost grasped his own throat to relieve the pressure, but then stopped as the phone stopped buzzing. A wave of calm rushed over him and he quickly snatched up the phone, putting it on silent. If he had no idea that Kibum was contacting him, then he wouldn’t have to feel that queasiness in his gut every time his phone even twitched.

Bristling, Kyuhyun tugged on his jacket and scarf, grabbing his backpack before heading out of the room.

There were a few people roaming around the dorm building, but he wasn’t planning on sticking around. Kyuhyun took a deep breath and headed out into the cold afternoon, making his way towards the campus coffee shop.

It took a few minutes, but he got there in one piece. Sure, his hair was a little on the disheveled side, but other than that, he was okay. Kyuhyun ordered a pumpkin spice latte, dismayed to see that the peppermint hot chocolate wasn’t coming until the following week. Handing the worker a few bills, he walked over to a two person table in the confines of the shop.

Normally, he would’ve gone ahead and gotten a window seat, but after staring out his dorm room window all day, he had come to realize that the outside world just wasn’t inspiring him anymore.

Shrugging off his jacket, Kyuhyun pulled out a notebook and pen, scribbling the date at the top right hand corner: November 20th.

 

_Letter Count: 127_

_Dear Ryeowook,_

_I don’t want to say that I’ve run out of things to tell you, because I really haven’t. You’re always on my mind and I’m always thinking about things that I want to tell you…but I can’t think of anything this second, which worries me._

Kyuhyun stopped. Looking up, he saw an employee coming over with the wonderfully scented drink in hand. Nodding in acknowledgement, Kyuhyun took the wide-mouthed cup, setting it down on the table.

Sighing, he shook his head and tried to gather inspiration from the interior of the shop. There were couples everywhere and suddenly something sparked in his mind.

 

_Couples are disgusting, aren’t they? Maybe we were just as gross that one Christmas. I wonder what I should get you for Christmas this year. Would you want anything? Actually, I bet if it was something you really wanted, you wouldn’t care who gave it to you. I’ll have to find something awesome._

_Last year, I wanted to send you something. I never did end up doing it. It was something that should be given in person, and there was no chance for me to do that. So…maybe this year, I’ll try to give you both things._

Kyuhyun sat back, taking a sip of the heated drink. Humming in appreciation, he set it back down and picked up the pen again. Tapping the tip against the paper, he puckered his lips, thinking.

Deciding that there was nothing left to say, he pressed the pen down and signed.

 

_Love,_

_Kyuhyun_

***

 

“Is there something interesting on your phone, Kibum?” Ryeowook teased, watching his friend curiously. The other male had been checking his phone nonstop ever since they started heading towards the karaoke bar.

Eyes flickered up, and then Kibum smiled and shook his head. “Nope, I was just trying to invite a friend, but it looks like he’s busy.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he frowned, “there are still a lot of people going though, so I’m sure you won’t be too lonely without your friend.”

“No, no, of course not,” he assured, slipping the phone back into his pocket, “He’s just someone I wanted to spend some time with. It’s alright though, I have you.”

Ryeowook ignored the quickening of his heart and simply smiled, not wanting to fall any deeper into those absorbing black eyes. They had an effect – a really strange one, at that. “You talk about your friends in a strange way, Kibum,” he managed, clearing his throat.

The male just chuckled in his own way, and looked off. “After karaoke, do you want to do anything?”

“Hmm, well, we’re probably going to be hungry.” Ryeowook paused and then added, “We could go back to my place and I could cook something.”

“Or, you could let me take you out to dinner,” Kibum responded, eyes trailing back over to the boy, “That’s always a much easier alternative, I think.”

“Are you insulting my cooking ability?” he huffed, voice light and joking.

The man leaned towards Ryeowook, smiling, “Never.”

Chills ran up his backside and he pulled back the tiniest bit. “Kibum…?” he said nearly inaudibly. The handsome male was still pushing forward, one hand on the door handle to balance himself as he came to loom closely over Ryeowook.

“Hmm…?” Kibum hummed, lashes lowering over his eyes. Fingertips brushed across Ryeowook’s chin, leading his face up. “What is it? Not in the mood to flirt anymore?”

“This is a little more than flirting,” his breath hitched, muscles feeling like weak.

“I don’t know about that,” he flashed a grin, “We haven’t done anything yet.” Kibum’s fingers ghosted down the slope of Ryeowook’s throat, hovering momentarily at the hollow of his neck before drifting across his defined collar bone.

The car came to a stop.

Ryeowook jerked back, eyes widening as he snapped out of his trance. Disappointment flitted across Kibum’s face, but then he sighed and backed up. “We’ll finish this someday,” he promised, black pools twinkling with amusement. “For now, we have karaoke.”

“Y-Yeah,” Ryeowook nodded, desperately hoping that his legs didn’t give out when he stepped outside.

 


	19. 19

 

_Letter Count: 149_

_Dear Ryeowook,_

_It has officially been ten days since I last spoke to Kibum. I don’t even know how I’ve been avoiding him so well, but I have. A lot of his calls are being ignored and most of his text messages are ignored too. I keep telling him that I have college applications and tests to focus on this year, so he’s letting me off the hook._

_Once all of my excuses are gone though, I’ll have to face him. I don’t really know what I’ll say, but it has to be something…meaningfully final. I’m done playing his games._

_Sometimes, I do get the feeling that I’m ungrateful or that I’m making a mistake by walking away from Kibum…but then I remember that I don’t need to have someone that makes me feel like shit every waking moment. He frustrates me and makes me happy, but there’s just not enough of the latter to actually make up for his personality._

_When we were little, he was the person who protected me and gave me a place where I could feel welcome. Somewhere along the line, I became more of a toy than a friend. I hate that. I hate how easily I was fooled._

_Being away from him has just made me realize how much I enjoy the world. It used to be disgusting and filthy to me, but nowadays, I don’t really mind any of it. In fact, I think I might even enjoy living._

_You and the summer festival and that sleepy little town aren’t just a getaway anymore. It’s not an ideal world either. Somehow, I feel like I could actually belong there, with you, one of these days._

 

“Kyuhyun?”

He looked up from his desk, seeing the door being pushed open. Henry stepped inside the dorm room, the bruises on his face fading. Kyuhyun’s eyes drifted down to the bruises on the boy’s hand, seeing the raw redness and deep purples hovering below the surface. “What happened last night?” he demanded.

Henry froze, but then looked down. “He doesn’t like me playing the violin anymore.”

“What?” Kyuhyun’s eyes narrowed, “What does that even mean? He loves your violin.”

“Not anymore,” he muttered, sitting down on the bed, pulling his scarf away.

The older boy’s eyes widened and he was out of his chair before he knew it. There were red streaks and violent bruising all across his throat, descending lower past the collar of his shirt. Kyuhyun wasn’t processing it, though. Shaking his head, he reached out to touch it, but then stopped. “Henry…,” he said softly.

“They’ll heal,” he insisted, jaw tightening. “He was just rough…last night.”

“Fuck it,” Kyuhyun spat, “are you kidding me? I’m working my ass off to keep Kibum away from me, and you’re willingly going back to Zhoumi every night to get beat up?” He felt his hands trembling from frustration.

Henry covered his head, eyes squeezing shut. “I can’t get away from him…Kyuhyun, I don’t want to be alone ever again,” he whispered, “Zhoumi said he would never leave me. It’s okay if I don’t love him—”

Fingers curling into the boy’s shirt, Kyuhyun yanked him up, glowering into his face. “One day, it’s not going to feel like he’s suffocating you. He’ll actually have his hand wrapped around your throat, choking the fucking life out of you and you’re going to let it happen because you’d rather die than be alone. Is that right?”

There was a pleading look in his eyes and then tears were trickling down his face. “I…”

“You what, Henry?” Kyuhyun grunted, “If you don’t want to be with him, then I’ll come with you and tell him that.”

Suddenly, his eyes widened and he was staring in silent shock. “…you…you will?” he croaked after several seconds.

“I have some balls right now,” he shrugged, “might as well make use of them before I curl up into a pathetic heap.” Kyuhyun pushed Henry back and then grabbed his jacket and scarf. “C’mon, you’re gonna call Zhoumi and tell him to meet you at your dorm room.”

“O-Okay,” Henry fumbled for his phone, but before he could call his lover, it started vibrating. Donghae’s name appeared on the touch screen, and Henry felt his heart jump. Hesitating for a split second, he answered the call, holding the phone up to his ear. “Hello?”

“I won the scholarship!” Donghae’s voice exclaimed.

Kyuhyun’s eyes fluttered in confusion.

Henry was smiling though, albeit just as confused as Kyuhyun. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh,” he laughed, “I forgot that I didn’t tell you. I auditioned for a performing troupe and I got a spot. They’re going to be touring Asia for three months, so…,” Donghae sounded as if he was giddy, “I’m coming to see you.”

“Y-You are?” Henry stammered, heat rushing through his body.

“Shoot,” he grumbled, “I have to get going. By the way, Eunhyuk made it with me. We’re kind of cool again.”

“Wow, so much has happened since the last time you called,” Henry smiled. “Will you tell me more about it when you get here?”

“Yeah, all of us should meet up,” he agreed, “well, aside from Sungmin.” Donghae paused, “I don’t actually know what he’s up to anymore.”

Henry swallowed the jealousy and hate and bitterness, knowing well enough that those things weren’t necessary. It was just difficult to get over them. “Ah…well, I’ll get in contact with Ryeowook, I guess. We haven’t spoken much since he came to China.”

“You know what, Henry?” Donghae began.

“What?” he tilted his head, unaware of the amused expression on Kyuhyun’s face.

“I’m surprised you answered the phone.”

Henry went rigid.

“Must mean you do want me, huh?” he teased.

Color flooded the boy’s face. “S-Shut up! I…I have to go.”

Donghae laughed through the phone, saying, “Okay. I’ll talk to you soon. I promise.”

“Okay,” he mumbled, unable to help his tiny smile. “Bye.” The phone went quiet and then he looked up, realizing that Kyuhyun was smirking at him. “Don’t say it,” Henry sighed.

“What?” he asked, innocently. “That the person you love called you and now you’re glowing like a fucking Christmas tree?” Kyuhyun grinned, “Naw, I wasn’t going to say that.”

“I’m sure you weren’t,” Henry frowned, “let’s go.” He picked up his phone, swallowing his nerves and dialing Zhoumi’s number. _Doomsday here we come…_

***

_Letter Count: 150_

_Dear Ryeowook,_

_I didn’t want to finish the day without hitting 150 letters, so here I am, meeting my quota. Today, I watched Henry take a call from Donghae. It was really…cute, to be honest. The way Henry kept lighting up at every little thing he was being told, well, it just made me think about something._

_I really am desperate for your attention, Ryeowook. Do you know that?_

_There was honest to goodness jealousy bubbling inside of me when I saw how happy Donghae and Henry could be, despite their situation. I want you to be thinking about me like I’m the best thing that has ever graced this earth. I want to be like Donghae and make the person I love smile even from thousands of miles away._

_And you’re right here. You’re barely ten miles away from me, and I can’t make you smile._

_It makes me crazy._

_This is worse than long distance. This is literally being right in front of the person you love, and feeling a glass panel separating you. I keep pounding against the window because I want to see you and touch you and keep you all to myself. But the glass isn’t shattering._

_I can’t do anything._

_All I can do is watch you, and hope that you don’t drift any further away._

_Love,_

_Kyuhyun_


	20. 20

 

_Tap…tap…tap…_

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Henry sighed, “he’s going to be so angry.”

 

_Tap…tap…tap…_

“It’s not a good idea,” Kyuhyun shrugged, “obviously. It’s necessary though. You can’t just let him keep on doing shit to you.”

 

_Tap…tap…tap…_

“What am I supposed to say? He’s not going to listen to me.”

 

_Tap…tap…t—_

 

“Would you stop that already?” Kyuhyun snapped, on edge. There were more than a few reasons as to why he was so tense. One of them was alcohol withdrawal, and another was probably sex withdrawal too. The biggest reason had to be obvious though: Zhoumi and Henry.

The younger boy looked up, fingers freezing above the wooden table. “Sorry.” He dropped his hand flat and pressed his lips into a hard line. Just as Henry was about to say something else, there were two soft raps at the door.

They exchanged a look, hearts seemingly stopping in the thick air. Kyuhyun swallowed hard and reached for the door, twisting the knob.

“Oh my…,” Henry breathed, working overtime to keep the beats of his heart steady. It wasn’t working.

“Why are you here?” Zhoumi’s voice echoed through the deathly silence.

Kyuhyun stared at the older male, masking his unease. “Why can’t I be here?”

“Because my boyfriend called me over to talk about things. You’re here. It really doesn’t paint a pleasant picture, catch my drift, Kyu?” he bit out, dark eyes glowering.

Henry clenched his fists, eyes locked on the floor as he blurted, “It’s not about him, Zhoumi.”

“What?” he turned around, settling that icy glare on his lover, “Tell me what it’s about then, Henry?”

He could’ve sworn that that was the least friendly question he had ever been posed. Swallowing with difficulty, the youngest boy lifted his eyes up tentatively. “I…I can’t be with you anymore.”

Kyuhyun caught Zhoumi’s arm before he could raise it even a foot. “Chill, man,” he hissed, adrenaline pumping through him now, “Don’t you dare do this shit anymore.”

“Did you hear what he just said to me?” Zhoumi growled, attempting to shove past the person restraining him. “Who does he think he is?”

“He doesn’t _think_ anything,” Kyuhyun yelled, forcing Zhoumi back a few steps, “He’s your lover, not your punching bag.”

“Oh? So that’s what this is really about,” he spat, “you’re getting it on with that lying whore?”

Henry flinched, but didn’t back down. Straightening back up, he said as evenly as he knew how, “You can’t call me those things. I don’t want to be called those things.” His voice broke, but there was no time to stop anymore. A dam was bursting inside and he couldn’t begin to describe what kind of wonderful relief that icy, overwhelming power did for him.

“…You’re not supposed to treat someone you love like that,” Henry could feel his chest pounding painfully and his mind fogging with a flurry of thoughts, “You don’t love me, Zhoumi. I don’t want to be treated—”

“—Shut up, you stupid—!”

“—STOP IT ALREADY! DON’T TELL ME TO SHUT UP, ZHOUMI!” Henry shrieked, eyes squeezed shut, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! LISTEN TO WHAT I’M SAYING FOR ONCE!”

His breaths came out raggedly, broken by sobs and queer laughter. Henry covered his face, not wanting to look at the man who had been so capable of making him happy. It was fair. It wasn’t fair at all. “It’s over,” Henry whispered, “Get out. Get out now.”

“No, Henry—” Zhoumi reached out, but Kyuhyun was there, stopping him again.

“He said get out,” he murmured.

There was a second’s pause, but then the tall man backed off. Zhoumi turned to the door, disappearing without another word.

 

Kyuhyun looked back, ready to congratulate Henry, but then froze when he saw the boy crumpled against the bed. Sighing, Kyuhyun crouched down, placing a hand on top of the crying one’s head. “Why are you crying, silly?” he scoffed gently.

“It’s strange,” he exhaled unsteadily, the stream of tears relentless, “I wish…I wish he had turned around…said anything…looked at me one more time.”

“You’re wrong to wish that,” Kyuhyun sat down next to him, managed to get an arm around the deadweight boy’s shoulders. “If he had done that, you would’ve had regrets.”

“Hmm?” Henry mumbled, resting his head against the other boy’s collar. It felt as if all of the adrenaline and power had drained away.

“If Zhoumi looked back, that would’ve meant he really did still love you,” he said softly, “But he didn’t look back. Be happy.”

“…hey, Kyuhyun?”

“What?”

Henry curled his fingers into the edge of the other boy’s shirt. “Ryeowook-hyung is lucky,” he whispered, “I hope you get him back.”

“Thanks,” he smiled a little, leaning his head back. “I hope so, too.”

 

***

 

_Henry gasped suddenly and then he was holding up a glossy white violin. There was a bow in his other hand, white strings gleaming under the morning light. “How…How did you afford this?” he whispered, turning wide eyes to me._

_“Do you like it?”_

_His gaze dropped back down to the violin, liquid shimmering in his eyes. “Donghae…,” he said quietly, “But how…I…,” Henry carefully placed the instrument back down in the case that had been so carefully wrapped in a cardboard box. His hands came up to touch either side of my face, pulling me until our lips crashed together._

_My heart raced thrillingly fast and I tightened my arms around his body. He spoke against my mouth then, breathless and sweet and so softly no one else could ever hear, “Thank you, thank you for being the greatest person in my life.”_

_No words came out of me, but what he had said rang through every inch of my mind._

_We laid in my bed at home, his white violin resting on the side table and my headphones playing soft music between us. His body was on its side, his fingers looped with mine. Those eyes were twinkling and soft in the moonlight, while his face glowed the purest white._

_“Wouldn’t it be fun to be married one day?” he laughed in a whisper._

_“Yeah, let’s get married one day soon.”_

_“We’ll have to start planning then,” Henry leaned closer to me, a smile on his lips._

_“Anything you want. Just let me save some money,” I chuckled, my hand running through his hair_

_“Save faster,” he whined._

Donghae’s eyes flickered open to the sound of a whaling alarm. Wincing, he fumbled to shut it off and then sit up. Wiping his eyes, he kicked his feet over the edge of the bed, slowly focusing his gaze on the floor. “…I should’ve said it.”

Then he tilted over, closing his eyes as his head hit the hotel pillow again. One bed over, he could hear Eunhyuk’s snoring. Just a little longer and they would be out of Korea on their Asia tour. Donghae just had to be patient and hopeful and ready. “I won’t mess it up again,” he sighed, pressing his fist into the soft mattress.

 

_They laid in Donghae’s bed at home, Henry’s white violin resting on the side table and the former’s headphones playing soft music between them. His body was on its side, his fingers looped with Donghae. Henry’s eyes were twinkling and soft in the moonlight, while his face glowed the purest white._

_“Wouldn’t it be fun to be married one day?” he laughed in a whisper._

_Donghae was silent, frozen. Then he smiled and played dumb, “Marriage? Being married to someone someday would be nice, I guess.”_

_The flicker of hurt wasn’t missed or forgotten ever. “Oh…definitely,” Henry nodded, pulling his hand loose and yawning. “We should probably get to bed. It’s already late.” He grinned faintly and closed his eyes, pulling the blankets up._

_Donghae watched him slowly fall to sleep all the time wondering what it would be like to marry his best friend._

 


	21. 21

 

_Letter Count: 176_

_Dear Ryeowook,_

_It’s already mid-December, isn’t it?_

 

The amusement park was brightly lit up as the night settled over everything. Ryeowook caught his breath, laughing and leaning back against the glass panel of the Ferris wheel. It was a bit cold, but he simply tugged his jacket closer around himself.

 

_I’m pretty proud to say that I’ve made it rather far. I mean, I’m still far off from my goal, but 133 letters are good for now, I think._

Just as he did so though, an arm wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him against a warm body. Looking up, Ryeowook smiled thankfully, resting his head against his friend’s chest. “How are you so warm, Kibum?” he mumbled.

 

_Steadily, I’ve been moving forward, and I can’t help but think about your face when you see each new one._

“That’s a good question,” he responded easily.

“That’s not a good answer,” Ryeowook chuckled.

Kibum tilted his head down, peering at the slender male. “Do you want to know something?” A slight nod was his response. “You’re a lot more comfortable with me these days,” he explained, “it’s really nice, to be honest.”

 

_How many are you getting per delivery, anyway? It must be a lot._

“It has been a while since we started spending time together,” he responded, “and aside from classes, I don’t have many people I talk to.”

“Perhaps I’ve been babying you too much…”

 

_I suspect that I get through three or more a day now._

Ryeowook fervently shook his head, looking up at Kibum sincerely. “It’s okay. I promise that you’re not. I’m just quiet in class. Making too many friends is bad for me as well,” he stated earnestly, “if I become too friendly with people, I’ll get distracted and my grades will drop.”

 

_Are you doing well this month? I haven’t spoken to Kibum and I’m happy that he doesn’t have too much of an idea of what I’m doing._

 

“Ah, the scholarship,” he mumbled in understanding, “I’m really pleased that you aren’t taking advantage of our friendship.”

 

_Then again, he knows everything, so he’s probably just taking pity on me, or he’s distracted by something._

 

“How would I do that?” Ryeowook smiled curiously.

Kibum smiled a little in return, “Well, you could be using our friendship to keep your scholarship, instead of working hard to keep it.”

“Has someone done that to you before?”

“Good question.”

“Why do we keep doing this?” Ryeowook laughed.

They both fell into silence, their eyes wandering beyond the window of the Ferris wheel capsule. The blackness of night was slowly turning a dark grey. Kibum pointed languidly out at it, saying softly, “It’s probably going to snow, huh?”

 

_I sort of wish I could warn you of him, but thus far, it doesn’t seem like he’s done anything too terrible. If he had, I would’ve found out by now._

 

“Yeah, I think it will,” Ryeowook responded, one arm wrapping around the front of Kibum’s body. He closed his eyes, yawning.

The man placed his other arm around Ryeowook as well, pulling him that much closer. “When this ride ends, would you like to go get something to eat?” His voice was like a lullaby, finding its way deep into Ryeowook’s mind to quell the exhaustion.

 

_You see, Kibum has this thing about needing to inflict pain. He wants people to acknowledge all of his wrong-doings because he likes to see them squirm when they realize that they can’t do anything to change that fact._

 

“Of course, Kibum.”

 

_I think I’m growing up. I’m finally seeing things with more clarity, or at least, I hope I am. At the very least, I see what’s wrong with Kibum and I’m scared, but I’m also willing to defend myself now. He’s not a god. He’ll never be so terrifying. I won’t let him hurt me anymore._

_And if possible, I’ll try to protect you to…if you let me, I mean, I would definitely do what I can to keep you safe from him._

_Love,_

_Kyuhyun_

 

The restaurant was quiet except for the soft violin music playing in the background. Ryeowook had unconsciously kept his hand in Kibum’s as they entered and were ushered to a private table by a window. There was a slight draft from the glass, but it was hardly a bother in the restaurant whose blazing fireplace resided so close.

“You have anything you want to eat?” Kibum questioned as they opened up their menus, browsing through the catalog of foods.

“Wherever you take me, the food is too amazing,” Ryeowook sighed in mock misery. “One day I’ll pay you back.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he brushed off the remark, “I don’t have anything to do with this money anyway. Please refrain from trying to give me back anything.”

Nodding carefully, Ryeowook couldn’t stop his initial thought: _What a great person…_ That’s all it took to define a good person, apparently. “Did you parents raise you to be so accepting and understanding of social classes?” Ryeowook asked without thinking.

There was no awkwardness though. In fact, the answer was nearly immediate, as if Kibum had been thinking about it for a long time. “There is a difference and they taught me that, however, I know that I live in a society filled with diversity. If I don’t accept things as they are, how will I ever find happiness or even contempt for life?”

“I…see,” Ryeowook blinked, speechless. That was almost too mature of a response. Sometimes, he really wondered if Kibum was his age. That just didn’t seem possible.

Suddenly, Kibum closed his hands over Ryeowook’s on the table. Smiling in that gentle way, he ran his thumbs over the smooth backside of those hands. “We’ve been hanging out a lot these past four months,” he began.

In Ryeowook’s peripheral vision, he could see snow twirling down from a gray sky. The window pane was slightly fogged around the edge, giving the warm restaurant an even hazier glow. “Yeah, we have,” he agreed, heart beating a tad faster from the touch of Kibum’s skin.

“I hope I’m not the only one who feels this attraction,” Kibum confessed in a hushed voice, “because that would be more than disappointing.” His dark eyes rested unwaveringly on the other male.

“No…no, I feel it, too,” Ryeowook assured awkwardly. He averted his gaze to their hands. “I’m just surprised.”

Kibum tenderly squeezed the boy’s fingers. “Please don’t misunderstand me,” he chuckled silently, “I know that you have always taken relationships seriously and in turn, people have always been serious. But what I’m saying is that,” Kibum flashed that pearly white smile easily, “I want to date you casually. There are no stressful commitments here. I just know that I want to see what it’s like to be with you.”

“I’ve never done that,” he mumbled, flushed. “How do you casually date?”

“Don’t worry,” Kibum entwined their fingers, bringing them close to his lips, “I’ll show you.”

 


	22. 22

 

“Why didn’t you tell me that you broke up with Henry?” Kibum’s eyes fluttered wide open in surprise as he stared at Zhoumi. The tall male shrugged his shoulders, averting his gaze. The question lingered in the air for only a moment before Kibum leaned across the table, touching his friend’s cheek. “Tell me, why did you keep it a secret?”

“It wasn’t much of a secret,” he muttered, “You’ve been busy with someone else though, haven’t you? Normally, you would’ve noticed something like this right away.”

“So what if I’ve been a little busy? You’re supposed to trust me,” Kibum retorted more sharply than he ought to.

Zhoumi lifted his eyes, frowning slightly. “Trust you? You’re the one who broke me and Henry up the first time. I figured you would’ve been the first to know that we broke up again. It’s not that far-fetched, Kibum.”

A faint wrinkle formed between the latter’s brows and he gritted his teeth, backing away. “When did it happen?”

“What’s today? December 23rd?” Zhoumi muttered to no one in particular. He leaned his head back, sighing heavily. “I think it happened two weeks ago. Maybe more. I don’t remember.”

“If you don’t remember, how much could you have really cared?” Kibum murmured with a cold edge to his voice. “I doubt you really loved him at all.”

“So what? Is that you’re justification for not wanting us to be together?” he rolled his eyes, rubbing his face tiredly. “I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things since then. I’m not counting the days though. I don’t know why I’m not counting the days.”

“It’s because you don’t miss him,” the other male remarked, taking a drag from his cigarette. “Isn’t that clear? You thought you wanted him, so you clung with too much force. Your pride got in the way and you couldn’t admit that going back in time never works. You—”

“—cut the psycho-babble shit, Kibum,” Zhoumi interrupted, “I’m exhausted. I don’t need you tearing me down from the inside out.”

He was quiet then, a flicker of something in his shifting gaze. Pursing his lips, he stood up, simultaneously crushing the cigarette in an ash tray. “Alright. See you around then.”

The tall male’s head shot up. “Wait, you’re leaving? Why?” Zhoumi’s heart was beating faster and he had no idea why it made him frantic thinking about someone leaving him. It wasn’t as if Kibum was declaring the end of their friendship.

“You’re exactly sociable right now,” he mused, mouth quirking up at one corner, “I’ll come see you again, so don’t worry.”

“I wasn’t worried,” he snapped, covering his face. “Fine get out. Don’t forget to pay.” Zhoumi nodded around at their surroundings. They had been sitting in a bar’s private room. Faint sounds of people could be heard through the doors and walls, finally seeming to process as their conversation came to an end.

“I would never,” Kibum smiled in his normal, calculating way. “Good night.” He opened the door, allowing the sounds to pour inside. Without another look, he disappeared.

Zhoumi frowned, kicking his feet up onto the worn-out black leather couch. Closing his eyes, he exhaled loudly. He would go home when the manager came to kick him out. It didn’t matter. The room was under Kibum’s tab anyway.

 

***

 

“What’s up?” Ryeowook blinked, slightly breathless from running out of the bathroom after his shower. He stared up at the handsome, dark haired man standing on the other side of his doorway. There was something depressing polluting his expression, a darker aura than usual. Ryeowook had long since accepted the slight oddness in Kibum’s demeanor, but that night it seemed even weirder. “Are…you okay?”

He shook his head, lips parting softly. Lifting his leather gloved hands; he paused at Ryeowook’s shoulder, slowly settling the coldly masked hands on his lover. “Can…I stay over?”

“Huh? Why?” he stuttered, blushing, “No well, I mean, yes, you can stay. Just, why?”

A familiar pure look of despair crossed the male’s face and Ryeowook crumbled under it. With a sigh, he backed up enough for Kibum to enter. Stepping inside, he smiled slightly and then closed the door before leaning down to softly press his lips to Ryeowook’s forehead. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“It’s not a problem,” he said quietly, returning the smile, “Do you need pajamas?” Ryeowook pointed down the hallway, “My roommates are back at home for the holidays, so it’s just me.”

“Why didn’t you go back to Korea?” Kibum’s eyes widened the tiniest bit. “I figured you would want to be there with your mother, right?”

Ryeowook lowered his gaze before lifting it back up and laughing. “I’m not really in a position to be spending money right now, so I just told her that I’ll come back when I make enough money to buy a plane ticket.” He opened the door to his room, flicking the light on, “Besides, she recently started dating someone and…well, I think it would be a good chance for her to be happy now that I’m all grown up and she doesn’t have to take care of me anymore.”

“…I’m sure she was happy caring for you,” Kibum mumbled, removing his gloves slowly. There was a thoughtful expression painted on his face, one that was much more sincere than Ryeowook had ever seen.

“That’s kind of you to say,” he returned faintly. Crouching down, he started rummaging through a drawer, finding some clothes for his lover to sleep in.

Shaking his head, he leaned down over Ryeowook, arms winding around his waist gently. That deep, rumbling voice was against his ear, “It’s not kind, it’s the truth.” Kibum paused then, seeming to catch his breath, “I rarely speak the truth, so believe me when I say that she must be missing you right now.”

A tremor began in Ryeowook’s lower lip, and he furiously blinked away tears. Laughing uncomfortably, he dropped his head, trying to pull away from the other. “Sorry Kibum, okay, I believe you,” he answered hoarsely, “so go get changed.” Ryeowook pushed the clothes at his lover.

Kibum seemed to be contemplating whether or not to listen to the request, but then he made his decision and tilted the slender male’s head up to press their lips together. He swallowed Ryeowook’s gasp of surprise.

When they broke apart only a moment later, their eyes locked. Ryeowook curled his fingers into the other male’s jacket sleeve, “Is this still casual, Kibum?” he murmured.

“I…don’t know,” he answered, “I didn’t expect you to make me honest so quickly.”

“Then what is this?”

“Attraction,” Kibum pulled the smaller figure closer, “or maybe distraction…would be a better word.”

Confusion swarmed Ryeowook’s eyes. “What does that mean? Am I distraction to you?” There was a hint of offense in his voice, but more than that, it was mild curiosity.

“We’re both distractions,” he shrugged, lips curling softly upwards. “Don’t deny it.” Kibum shook his head, “You’re still in love with Kyuhyun. You never stopped loving him, even when he was hurting you.”

Ryeowook jerked back, but he could was caught by the tightening grip.

Kibum hushed him with the softest of kisses. “The things he does…the amount of time he has spent and still spends repenting is incredible.” A small laugh, “I’ll be even more honest tonight…because something has changed.” He slid his hand up slowly to caress the back of Ryeowook’s neck, fingertips brushing his soft, damp hair. “I approached you,” Kibum spoke slowly, deliberately, “because I wanted to test you. I wanted to see what made Kyuhyun so enraptured…and I learned why just now.”

“You’re a normal, small town kid,” Kibum stated, eyes somewhere far away, “and that’s exactly what he found so refreshing. You…treasure the smallest things. You’re not weak as I originally assumed, instead, you’re trusting and trustworthy…which is often mistaken for weakness.” He felt Ryeowook relax in his arms and so he loosened his grip. “Kyuhyun is someone I care for in a number of different ways. I monopolize him, I’ll admit.”

Ryeowook was silent, unable to think of something to say. It would be wrong to say he was angry. It would also be wrong to say that he wasn’t upset, though. In the end, he settled on staying quiet, waiting for Kibum to go on.

“He’s someone who has been precious to me since we were kids. I’ll assume you can understand that feeling as well. Kyuhyun is someone who you can learn to love with ease.” Kibum looked up, taking a deep breath. “And…so I’ll let you be that person, because I think I’m seeing things clearly now.” He pursed his lips. “I don’t have anyone standing in my way anymore, therefore I don’t need to mess with everyone else,” he laughed, “I want to pursue someone for the first time in my life.”

“Why are you suddenly telling me all of this?” Ryeowook finally spoke up. “You really suddenly had a change of heart? From what I’m hearing…you’ve been playing me and everyone in your life for a long time. I can’t think of what could’ve changed you all of a sudden.”

“I don’t do gradual changes,” Kibum answered simply, “I have moments and those moments cause my changes.” He looked around as if someone might be eavesdropping and then he smiled and leaned closer, resting his forehead against Ryeowook’s. “Let me tell you a true secret: my only dear secret.” Kibum made sure their eyes were on one another, wanting to have the other male’s full attention as he said, “In my entire life, I have only earnestly fallen in love once and for that sake, I have done a number of things no one should ever know about.” A wonderfully sad, gentle smile touched his lips, “I love him…I care about him more than anyone else, but I’ve never shown him my feelings. But all of that is going to change, because tonight, he truly let go of his special person. And I…am going to let you go.” Kibum watched Ryeowook’s eyes widen expressively. “You can’t let Kyuhyun wait any longer.”

“Why?” he blurted, face flushed, unable to suppress his tears. He didn’t understand why, but hearing those words made his resolve crack. Those words struck something strange in his heart. How could he make Kyuhyun wait so long? Was that really what made him want to cry?

Kibum touched the top of the younger male’s head. “You know why,” he chuckled, “But it’s because I learned something else tonight.” He rolled his eyes, “Yes, it was a night of epiphanies. You see, a person doesn’t truly stop loving someone until they’ve stopped counting the days they’ve been apart. Kyuhyun…and you…all the two of you do, as I’ve come to see, is count the days you’re apart. It makes no sense. If you want to be together, then now is the time to stop counting.”

“…I’m never going to see this side of you ever again, am I?” Ryeowook asked, smiling and crying as he tried to focus on two different things.

Kibum made a face, but then laughed. “Hopefully, you will never again see me as I am right now.”

“I understand,” he giggled, gently pulling away from the other man. Wiping his face, he grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair and shrugged it on. “Thank you…for be honest with me. It’s probably weird for you,” he teased.

“Yes, it’s a little strange,” Kibum grinned, sitting down on Ryeowook’s bed, “I’m sure I’ll be back to normal in the morning. Good bye.”

“Maybe this was casual after all,” Ryeowook remarked, grabbing his keys on the way out the door. He didn’t expect an answer, and he was right to find that silence was what followed. It didn’t bother him though. He had seen something no one else had, and that was surely enough.

 

He jogged through the campus, reaching the front gates separating him from the rest of the city. There were red and blue lights blaring in the silent night. Ryeowook slowed down as he approached the commotion, eyes flitting up to the snow drifting down around them. The sharp colors splattered across the white ground.

“Excuse me, what’s going on?” Ryeowook asked carefully, looking at the police officer.

“Do you go to school here, young man?” he prompted.

“Yes,” he nodded.

The officer took a picture out of his pocket, handing it to Ryeowook. “Do you know this man?” There was a handsome, sharp featured young man in the photo. His eyes were fox-like and his face was narrow and clear.

“No, I don’t,” Ryeowook shook his head, “I’m sorry. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“No, that’s alright son,” he grunted, putting the picture away, “It’s none of your concern then.”

“I’m sorry for asking, but what happened? Does he go to your school?”

The officer sighed, and muttered something about gossip before saying, “He’s a student here and he was at the local bar. Earlier this evening, something, or more likely, someone set the building on fire. There were a few people trapped inside when it happened, and one of them was that young man. That’s all I can tell you though. We’re conducting an investigation now.”

Ryeowook nodded in understanding. “Okay, well, thank you for telling me so much. I hope everything is figured out.” He bowed his head slightly, before turning and jogging off again.

 


	23. 23

 

He didn’t know what to think when the phone call came. It was rare for him to get a call from his family, but it was even rarer to hear them so frantic. They weren’t a very emotional group of people, considering their positions in the business world. Being soul-sucking and cold was practically in the job description.

Yet they were yelling and panicking through the line.

Kyuhyun took a few moments to comprehend what they were telling him. It was a freak accident. Or maybe it wasn’t. There were dangerous people in the world, and arson wasn’t something uncommon in the world – in a bar, for that matter. Plenty of drunken smokers in a shabby place were like a breeding center for some fool to drop his lighter in a puddle of alcohol, or even a drunkard to get pissed and chuck a lit bottle into a flammable building.

 And so he was now in a taxi rushing for the hospital. In his hand was a phone, dialing Kibum who was sure to already know what was going on. Kyuhyun debated whether or not to Henry, and then decided against it. If his family told him about it, great; if not, well, Henry didn’t need to know. It was just one more thing to send the kid spiraling into despair and probably more than a little guilt.

“I’m on my way,” was all Kibum said when he answered the phone. The line died after that.

Kyuhyun leaned back against the scratchy taxi seat, clenching his fists. Why had things turned out so badly?

 

***

Ryeowook walked down the dimly lit hallway, glancing over his shoulder at the bright lobby. The resident advisor had been kind enough to let him in at that hour, and direct him to the correct dorm room.

Shuffling further down the corridor, Ryeowook read each door number carefully, not wanting to pass it. When he finally stopped at a particularly non-descript wooden door, he knocked once, then twice, then thrice. His heart pounded against his rib cage, palms becoming sweaty from anxiety.

Several minutes passed and there was still no answer, even after incessant knocking. Ryeowook tentatively tried the doorknob, finding it to be unlocked. That didn’t seem like something Kyuhyun would do. It was his style to keep things locked up tight, right? Or maybe it had been too long since they had been together.

Did Ryeowook even know what he was like anymore?

The door creaked open and he peered inside the brightly lit room. Kyuhyun’s desk chair was pushed aside carelessly, and there were papers scattered across the wooden table top. Ryeowook slowly stepped inside, closing the door behind him.

This was trespassing right?

Ignoring the thought, he moved further inside the space, face heating up at the familiar scent of Kyuhyun that seemed to wrap around him. It was distinct and nostalgic, something that had long since become indescribable. Ryeowook skimmed over the papers on the desk, eyes flashing when he saw his name written on them.

It wasn’t just one, it was multiple. All of them had different numbers and different designated envelopes.

With the tips of his fingers, he gingerly picked one up, reading it with dry lips and throat.

 

***

 

“He suffered second degree burns, and a severe amount of smoke inhalation,” the doctor explained, “There is some damage in his brain affecting motor skills, and he will most likely undergo physical therapy for several months, if not years. At the moment, we are not sure of his ability to wake up, but upon coming out of comatose, expect him to be mute. The smoke caused possibly permanent damage to his throat and lungs.”

Kyuhyun stared at the doctor the entire time, trying to scramble for some thread of hope. Was being alive enough? No, he didn’t think so. If Zhoumi was going to be a fucking vegetable, what was the difference between that and death? And then what happened if physical therapy worked? Would he still be unable to speak? Would he write things down or get one of those damned robotic voices?

“When can we see him?” his parents demanded.

“We’re still running some tests. We’ll send a nurse out when you’re free to see him.” The doctor nodded his head slightly before turning and walking back down the hallway.

“I’m sorry that this happened,” Kyuhyun bowed, not really aware of the response he received. Whatever it was, he didn’t care. Pulling away from the parents, he walked over to where Kibum sat nearby.

The older male wasn’t speaking, nor was he moving. It was like a darkly clad statue had taken residency in the stiff corduroy chair. Kyuhyun rested his hand on Kibum’s knee, silently squeezing.

Kibum turned his head away, fingers digging into his jacket. There was much more to be said in that action than any words he could’ve uttered. Kyuhyun couldn’t possibly begin to understand what his friend was thinking, but it was becoming clearer the longer Kibum was silent.

It had always made sense to Kyuhyun why Kibum rejected Ryeowook and any other playthings of his. The only thing that never made sense was why he hated Henry. Of all the people Zhoumi could’ve picked, Henry was probably the best option, yet Kibum still showed his disapproval. Why?

And now, as Kyuhyun studied the nervous, frozen figure, he knew the answer. It wasn’t Henry he hated. It was everyone and anyone who caught Zhoumi’s attention. “Even you’re human, huh?” Kyuhyun muttered.

Kibum’s eyes flickered over to him, but quickly shifted away.

“He’s alive. That’s what matters,” Kyuhyun filled the silence.

“Maybe,” was the only response Kibum gave.

“Zhoumi is going to wake up and go shopping and throw parties and make snarky remarks and be around to make us feel less alone,” he said softly, “He’s going to fight for this so you can have your chance to make him happy.”

Kibum stiffened, dark eyes sliding over to look at the younger male questioningly.

 

***

 

_Letter #191_

_Dear Ryeowook,_

_Today, Henry and I went to the arcade. He was so insistent on playing this silly game about birds. I don’t even know. Anyway, while we were there, I won a giraffe stuffed animal. Next time, I want to be able to give it to you. There are a lot of things I want to give to you though._

_If you read any of my letters, I guess you would know about them. Then again, I think I would be embarrassed if you read these notes. I feel like I tell you too many things – more things about me than you would care to know._

_Today is the 23 rd of December. It’s almost Christmas. Do you think you’re going home for the holidays? If not, I hope you have fun here with whomever it is you’re spending time with. I’m sure you’ll make him or her or them very happy. That’s what makes you special, Ryeowook. _

_You make people so happy._

_It’s strange and simple and so hard, somehow. You’re the first person I’ve ever met who can make someone like me this happy, and you’re not even speaking to me._

_Maybe I’m secretly a masochist. You never know._

_I do miss you. I miss you a lot. I miss you all the time._

_Please wait. I’m almost there. I’m so close. So please hold on._

Ryeowook pressed the wet spots out of the paper, covering his damp eyes in a weak attempt to stop the tears. “Are all of them like this?” he whispered to no one.

He grabbed another one, reading each line and watching the words begin to glow before him. Against his ear, he could nearly hear that sweet, deep, lulling voice whispering those things. It was so close and so painfully false.

“I believe you,” Ryeowook promised, sinking to his knees, laughing shakily into himself. “I believe you, Kyuhyun.”

 

***

 

“You’re going to watch over him, right?” Kyuhyun prompted, yawning quietly in the corner of the hospital room.

Kibum nodded faintly, his eyes never leaving the slumbering figure in bed. His hand was closed over the bandaged one, dark red peeking out from beneath the gauze.

“I’ll be back to take over later,” he said before closing the door behind him. Taking a slow, steadying breath, Kyuhyun exited the hospital and hailed a cab. The sun was already beginning to rise and he let his shoulder relax for the first time in some hours.

There were flashes of the night rolling through his mind like a high quality video, but he couldn’t remember it ending. It had seemed like an eternity in that waiting room. Time didn’t move when you were patiently doing nothing in hopes that something would happen soon. It defied the lies of nature. If you don’t do anything, then nothing will happen, or at least, that’s the idea. If you do something, something in turn will happen.

“We’re here.”

Kyuhyun blinked, absently paying the man and climbing out of the taxi. It was a short walk to his dorm room and when he twisted the knob, he was surprised to find that he had forgotten to lock it.

Sighing, he pushed the door open, hoping to god that no one had stolen anything from him. The light was still on and there was pale blue dawn haze washing his window and curtains. Kyuhyun rubbed his face and tired eyes, before focusing on the figure sleeping on the floor. There were papers scattered all around a slender body, some of them on top of him, whilst others were faintly gripped in his hands.

“What…are you doing here?” Kyuhyun managed, incapable of moving from his spot.

The person stirred, eyes blinking open and then body shifting up to a sitting position. He took a moment to realize where he was and then froze up as well. In a somewhat raspy voice, Ryeowook spoke to the stunned man, “H…Hi.”

 


	24. 24

 

“Hey, what are you reading?”

The child looked up, eyes wide as he scrambled to climb out of the large leather desk chair. Before he could get very far, the one who had caught him red handed was reaching out and lifting him up.

“Like I said, what were you reading?” He raised an eyebrow at the fidgety brat.

“N-Nothing,” the child stammered, flushing, “Let me go, uncle!”

The man smirked and swung the kid around, holding him up higher. “Spill it or else I’m throwing you out the window.”

“What? That’s not legal!” he cried.

“Why are you picking on my child, Kyuhyun?” a handsome man by the door sighed. He strode up to them, taking the terrified young boy away. Looking down at his son, he smiled and kissed the top of his head.

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes, crossing his arms and leaning back against the desk edge. “You should be thanking me if anything, Donghae. I was telling your kid to stop sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong.”

“Yeah, I’m going to thank you for scaring my child,” he scoffed, patting the boy’s backside. “Don’t you have somewhere you need to go?”

Blinking, he frowned suddenly, “Yeah, I guess I do. It’s stupid though.” Sighing, Kyuhyun kicked away from the desk, ruffling the child’s hair as he passed through the doorway. “Meetings are always so long. Lord. Bye.” He disappeared around the corner and then the front door was opening and closing.

Donghae peered down at his son curiously. “So…what _were_ you doing, Taemin?”

“I was...uhm, well, I was reading bà ba’s story. I wanted to know what he was always writing.” The boy shrugged, looking down at the floor as Donghae set him down.

“You know that you’re not supposed to be reading what doesn’t belong to you,” he scolded softly, hand on Taemin’s shoulder. “So…did you like it?” Donghae grinned at his son’s sudden spark of interest.

“Yeah, but uncle stopped me at a good part.”

“And what was that good part?”

“The main character just met the person he loves again. They were about to talk, I think.” He nodded slowly, adding, “Bà ba is a good writer.”

Donghae patted the boy’s hair and then stood up, leading Taemin out of the study. “He’s an even better violinist, isn’t he?”

A vigorous nod was his only answer.

 

***

 

“Jonghyun-hyung?” Taemin peeked inside his older brother’s bedroom, not surprised to see him doing push-ups with the music channel on in the background. “Are you busy?”

“Not really,” he grunted, looking up and grabbing his water bottle. Sitting back, Jonghyun took a great swig and exhaled. “What’s up?”

“I…You know how Uncle Kyuhyun is really old already?” he began.

“Yeah, I guess twenty-six is kind of old,” Jonghyun agreed slowly, “why?”

“I think I know why he’s not married yet.”

“Why?”

Taemin looked around and then walked inside the room, closing the door behind him. “He’s probably in love with someone named Ryeowook.”

“Who?” the older boy cocked an eyebrow, leaning forward curiously, “Is appa playing you again? You always fall for his stupid jokes.”

“They’re not stupid!” he defended, “But no, that’s not what I’m talking about.” Taemin sat down on the bed, grabbing a pillow and hugging it. “I was trying to look up a new idol group I saw on T.V. but my computer wasn’t working right, so I wanted to used bà ba’s desktop. His new story was up though, and I’m pretty sure it’s about Uncle Kyuhyun and all of their friends. He was writing all of these letters to someone named Kim Ryeowook in the story.”

Jonghyun was quiet for a moment, and then he flopped back on the carpeted floor, eyeing his little brother in puzzlement. “So what? Do you want to fix things between them? You don’t even know when that happened.”

“Why can’t we even try?” Taemin argued.

“Because you’re a nine year old string bean,” he retorted, “and I’m not interested in our parents and their friends’ love lives.” Jonghyun shivered in disgust, “That’s just weird.”

“It’s not weird though!” he fussed, “We could help our grouchy uncle rediscover love! That would be awesome, wouldn’t it?”

“We’re not love doctors, Taemin,” he snapped, “and I don’t want to waste time with something like that. It’s stupid and completely out of line. We shouldn’t be messing around with other people’s lives. Don’t you understand that?” Jonghyun stood up and walked towards the door. “C’mon, I bet it’s time for dinner.”

Sucking it up, Taemin pressed his lips together and threw the pillow aside, following his brother out the door.

 


	25. 25

 

Jonghyun sneaked through the dark house, walking downstairs silently to find his Chinese father in the study, as expected. Tugging at his sleeves uncomfortably, he slid his feet across the hardwood, inching over the threshold of the dimly lit office. “Bà ba?”

A baby-faced man looked up from his computer, smiling at his eldest son. “What’s up?” His hair was brown and tousled, skin porcelain and shockingly smooth for a full grown man.

“Taemin is worried about Uncle Kyuhyun,” he blurted, “and I just want to know what happened. Is it worth it to get involved, because Taemin is already trying to make plans on how to get our uncle with his long lost love or something?”

His father sighed, pushing back from the desk a little. “That’s really sweet of him. I’m worried that your uncle will try to bite his head off again though,” he chuckled nervously, “If I could tell you anything, Jonghyun, it would be to try and keep your little brother out of this mess.”

Confusion clouded his features and then he slowly sank down on the leather couch off to the side. There was a bookshelf pressed up against one side, but didn’t prevent him from seeing his father. “What’s wrong with him knowing? I’m pretty sure he’s already read like half of your story.”

“It’s not that simple,” he shook his head, “Do you want to hear the abbreviated version?”

“Sure,” Jonghyun responded, not wanting to sound too eager.

“So, your uncle knew this boy named Kim Ryeowook when he was six or seven,” his father explained, “They lived in different countries, so they would stay in contact through letters, because phones and such weren’t really common back then. Since they were so used to it already, they just kept writing letters to one another through the years. The only time they would see each other was during a summer festival in this boy Ryeowook’s hometown.” He took a breath, smiling at the blank expression on his son’s face, “Trust me, you need to know this. Anyway, one summer, everything changed because Ryeowook surprised Kyuhyun with a visit. What Ryeowook didn’t know was that Kyuhyun was cheating on him.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Jonghyun waved his hands, “he cheated on someone he loved? Why?”

“You want the short version,” his father exhaled, “it’ll take hours to explain your uncle’s teenage problems.” Leaning back in his chair, he continued, “So, they broke up and didn’t talk for an entire year. However, during that time, your uncle diligently wrote letters to Ryeowook. Ryeowook refused to read them though. After one year passed, by chance, they met again and Ryeowook told Kyuhyun to write him a thousand letters and when that happened, they could be together again.”

“Weird guy,” he muttered.

“It was a weird time, trust me,” he expressed. Shaking his head, he said, “So your uncle embarked on the adventure. Due to many circumstances involving a very manipulative man named Kibum, Ryeowook ended up in China where Kyuhyun was living. Some more things happened,” he waved his hand dismissively, not wanting to get caught up in the specifics, “and this man Kibum pushed Ryeowook to get in contact with Kyuhyun again. Note, your uncle had written almost two hundred letters at this point, and the challenge was issued some half a year ago.” He chuckled at Jonghyun’s shock, but didn’t comment, “You wouldn’t believe how desperate your uncle is capable of being. Well, this is where it gets…different.” There was a flicker of pain in his father’s face, but it faded too quickly for Jonghyun to comprehend or even ponder.

“A story is a work of fiction,” he began softly, “when you write a story, Jonghyun, you can change history to fit what you want and it soon becomes an escape…from the ugly aspects of the world.” He looked down, but then back up, eyes far away. “Taemin read fiction and the rest of the world will read fiction as well, because the reality is probably even more surreal than what I wrote. The night that that man Kibum changed was the same night he realized that it was time to give up his bitterness and manipulative nature so he could pursue love. He found out that his one-sided love for someone named Zhoumi wasn’t just a dream anymore. They were having drinks at a bar and talking, which led to the discovery that it wasn’t too late to find happiness. That was why Kibum wanted to share those feelings of living life to the fullest and going after what’s right in front of you. That much is true. But…when this was happening, there was a freak accident at the bar.”

Jonghyun felt his heart beating faster and his throat dry up.

His father’s hands closed tightly. “…Someone set the bar on fire. It was probably a prank gone wrong and it wasn’t uncommon for gang violence or just violence in general where all of us were living at that time. Zhoumi was caught in the fire, though. The rescue team wasn’t in time.” He smiled in the worst way possible, but looked at Jonghyun with clear eyes. “Uhm, Kibum was heartbroken, as you might have assumed. He needed someone to help him through the pain, so he packed up his things, took Kyuhyun, and they went travelling for a few years.”

“Oh…my god,” Jonghyun whispered, covering his mouth, eyes unblinking. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” he shook his head, “I still don’t understand and it’s been so many years already.” Breathing deeply, he explained, “Your uncle returned to his dorm room the night of the accident and packed up his things. Kibum didn’t want to stay for the funeral. He didn’t even want to be in the city anymore. So, Kyuhyun was on his way out and from what I heard over the years, he did run into Ryeowook who was coming to see him. They didn’t get to speak though. Kyuhyun told him that it wasn’t the right time and left.”

“Are you serious? How…I mean, yes, I understand how, but…how?” he fumbled for words, eyes narrowing in frustration. “How could this have really happened? Are you just making it up?”

The look on his father’s face was like a slap in the face. It wasn’t a joke, not even close. He didn’t say anything against his son though, instead, he said, “Ryeowook finished school and the last time I saw him was two or so years ago. He was working as a music teacher in an international school and it looked like he had moved on already.”

“…Why didn’t Uncle Kyuhyun try to go after him? He’s back now. Why won’t he go find him?” Jonghyun demanded. “And what happened to Kibum?”

His father shrugged, “I don’t know what happened to Kibum. I just know that Kyuhyun showed up one day a year ago and now he’s here to stay, apparently.”

Standing up, he raked fingers through his hair, groaning out loud. “This is stupid. They’re stupid. I don’t understand anything at all,” Jonghyun vented.

“It’s a very confusing story. I don’t expect anything from you,” his father said gently, smiling in understanding.

“Then what’s going to happen? Will Uncle Kyuhyun find Ryeowook?” he sighed.

“That’s up to him, don’t you think?”

Jonghyun bit his lower lip. “…I don’t know. It shouldn’t be. It doesn’t seem like he’s able to deal with things on his own.”

“You’re really worried about him, aren’t you?” his father teased.

The teen flushed, averting his eyes. “Mm…whatever. I guess it doesn’t matter.” He turned to the door, starting to walk away before pausing. “…I like your fiction more, bà ba, just so you know. Good night.”

A few moments later, Donghae appeared at the door, smiling. “What did Jonghyun want, Henry?” He came up behind his husband, leaning over to kiss his head.

“He was curious about the past,” Henry responded lightly.

“Oh? What did you end up telling him?”

Henry laughed, but didn’t answer.

 


	26. 26

 

“Thank you for helping me, Mr. Kim,” the student bowed his head. “I was really scared about my piano test this coming Saturday, but you really made everything easier.”

Kim Ryeowook smiled at the boy, “It was no problem. I was very flattered when you asked me to stay after and help you brush up your piece.” He patted the student’s shoulder, “You should probably head home soon. The sun will be setting in half an hour or so, I think.”

“Oh, you’re right,” he nodded sheepishly, “Okay, then I’ll be going. Thank again! Have a good weekend, Mr. Kim!” The teen waved goodbye, disappearing through the doorway.

Silence followed his fading footsteps. Ryeowook sighed, turning back to his desk to collect materials. There were plenty of quizzes and papers to review over the next two days. He wouldn’t have any free time – not that he would’ve preferred time to just think. That was the last thing he wanted to do. Thinking made him remember the past, and that generated only bad memories.

He shuffled through the papers, absently organizing them by class period and subject. If the past could be changed, he would change it. Instead of letting that year pass by, he would’ve forgiven Kyuhyun if he had known how sincere he was. Everything was perfect, but the amount of misunderstandings and complications masked the obvious.

Looking back, Ryeowook couldn’t understand how he wasn’t able to see the honesty in Kyuhyun earlier. Why would he spend all that time talking to Ryeowook if he wasn’t earnestly in love? No one had that much time to waste, and yet Kyuhyun was wasting it.

Shaking away the thoughts, he frowned and zipped up his shoulder bag. This was why he never thought about the past. It was frustrating and full of regrets. So many regrets.

Ryeowook shrugged the bag higher up his arm, turning to the doorway. Steadily, he started walking out of the room, locking it behind him. The phone in his pocket vibrated and he quickly picked it up, mumbling a greeting.

“Where are you?”

“Still at school,” Ryeowook answered, “why?”

“Donghae is throwing a surprise party for Henry and he was begging me to make you come.”

A small smile played on the teacher’s lips. “It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen them. Are you sure Henry really wants that, Eunhyuk?”

“Yes, yes, so hurry it up home so you can get ready! The party starts in an hour. Don’t be late!” he emphasized, laughing into the phone before saying, “I’ll see you soon.”

Ryeowook simply sighed, accepting the situation for what it was. Hanging up the phone, he trailed through the teacher parking lot, finding his car and climbing in.

 

***

 

“Is it a happy ending?”

Taemin jumped, looking up to see Jonghyun at the entrance to the study. “What do you mean?” he gulped, trying to hide the computer screen before his brother could see it.

The older boy was too fast though and he was leaning over his younger sibling’s shoulder, reading the end if their father’s story. “It’s a happy ending?”

“I guess so,” Taemin mumbled, scrolling down the screen.

 

_Sighing, he pushed the door open, hoping to god that no one had stolen anything from him. The light was still on and there was pale blue dawn haze washing his window and curtains. Kyuhyun rubbed his face and tired eyes, before focusing on the figure sleeping on the floor. There were papers scattered all around a slender body, some of them on top of him, whilst others were faintly gripped in his hands._

_“What…are you doing here?” Kyuhyun managed, incapable of moving from his spot._

_The person stirred, eyes blinking open and then body shifting up to a sitting position. He took a moment to realize where he was and then froze up as well. In a somewhat raspy voice, Ryeowook spoke to the stunned man, “H…Hi.”_

_Kyuhyun couldn’t quite wrap his mind around what he saw before him. It was perfectly still, like in the eye of a storm. An all consuming light shined down on a long forgotten path and then he saw stumbling forward, knees crashing into the hardwood as he pulled Ryeowook up into his arms._

_It was so immediate that the latter didn’t have time to think as tears spilled down again and he was clinging onto the mumbling, quivering Kyuhyun._

_“Don’t leave,” he whispered like a mantra, breath soft and heavy against Ryeowook’s hair. Kyuhyun closed his eyes tightly, miserably. “Please never leave. I haven’t…I want…”_

_“I missed you, too,” Ryeowook’s voice cracked and then he laughed shakily. “Sorry…sorry for making you wait.”_

_“Doesn’t matter,” Kyuhyun grunted, “at all.” He smiled against his lover’s shoulder, refusing to let go for even a moment._

“It’s a little cheesy,” Jonghyun remarked as they read the final lines of the story.

Taemin nodded slowly, “I think it was an okay ending though. If they kept going, then it wouldn’t have made much sense, in my opinion. I mean, it would be really stretched, right?”

“I guess so,” his brother responded, not voicing the rest of his thoughts, _He probably didn’t know how to end it, considering it’s not what happened._

It was a little different when you changed a dead person to living. There were innumerable ways to make it believable. Love had a completely different tune. The unpredictable and the pain and the overwhelming need were things that couldn’t be properly conveyed in a story like this one. Jonghyun knew it was a tragic ending and no matter how his father rewrote reality, it could never do justice to a true happy ending.

Well, that was his opinion anyway.

“Kids, everyone is hiding in the living room already. Hurry up before your father gets back,” Donghae called, waving them out of the study. He didn’t comment on the document pulled up on the computer screen, though he tried to hide a knowing smile.

Without complaining the two boys shuffled out of the room, heading towards the somewhat crowded living space. In one corner, they could see two adults crouching down, neither of them very familiar at all. Jonghyun studied them for a moment, noting how skinny both of them were. Then again, most of his parents’ friends were skinny.

The one closer to the balcony had mussed dark brown hair and defined cheekbones. His eyes were dark and shining as if he was especially excited about tonight. That was good. Jonghyun always worried about people taking advantage of his parents. They weren’t the brightest pair; in fact, they were a little too laid back sometimes.

The other guy was edgier and his facial features were more defined. Large round eyes were set into a rather small face and when he flashed a quick smile, Jonghyun was sure he had never seen such a wide grin.

“Hide, quick!” Donghae pushed his kids behind the couch, flicking the light off just as the door began opening.

 


	27. 27

 

There were muffled hushes and then all was silent as they waited anxiously for the light to come back on. It didn’t take more than two seconds and then they were all jumping up screaming and cheering.

Henry jumped back, eyes widening before his features melted into a warm smile. Taemin ran out, lunging at his father. Laughing Henry caught him, kissing his head softly and mumbling thank you. There were multiple people coming over to congratulate him on his birthday, squashing the young boy in the process. Taemin squeezed his way out, huffing and frowning.

Jonghyun laughed at his brother, ruffling his hair. “We should get some food now,” he remarked, leading the younger male over to the kitchen.

 

Donghae wrapped his arms around Henry from behind, leaning over to press his lips against his neck. “Happy birthday,” he murmured.

“Thank you,” he responded, turning around to hug his husband. “I can’t believe you got Ryeowook to come.”

“I remembered you said you wanted him at your next birthday,” Donghae shrugged casually, “It took a little begging and Eunhyuk’s involvement, but we got him here.”

“And what about Kyuhyun? Is he still coming?”

His husband paused for a long moment, but then said, “Yes. He’ll be late, but he said he’s coming. Do you really think it’s a good idea for them to be in the same room together?” Donghae gazed down at Henry seriously, “I know you’re not trying to get them together for your book’s sake, but maybe it’s about time we stopped interfering with them.”

“They need someone to interfere though,” he argued, “They…neither of them have gotten over the other. I’ve only heard second hand from Eunhyuk, but it sounds like Ryeowook isn’t planning on getting married to anyone, male or female. Don’t you think that sounds like someone?”

“Let’s not have this conversation on your birthday,” he sighed, exasperated. “You can’t go back in time.” Donghae kissed Henry once on the head and then took his hand, leading him over to get drinks.

 

Some hours later, the party was dying down and still, Kyuhyun hadn’t shown up. Henry turned to his husband, confused. “Where is he?” His eyes shifted over to where Ryeowook appeared to be checking his phone. “I think he’s about to leave.”

“Henry…,” Donghae warned softly.

“No, no, I know,” he retorted, frustrated, “but…”

“Just let it be,” the older male mumbled, pulling him into a hug.

A moment later, Ryeowook was coming over to them smiling and gentle as always. “Am I interrupting?” he questioned.

“No,” Henry laughed, turning around to give the older man a hug. “Thank you for coming tonight. And please, please, _please_ don’t lose contact again. I don’t like stalking you through Eunhyuk. It’s a little weird.”

“A _little_ weird?” Eunhyuk snorted, coming over as well. He raised an eyebrow. “I feel like a hired hit man sometimes, but the only thing is that I don’t actually plot Ryeowook’s demise, I just follow his every move.”

“It’s not that bad,” Henry rolled his eyes, blushing.

“Yeah, it’s that bad,” his friend argued, fighting a grin.

Ryeowook glanced at Donghae, smiling faintly. The look was returned and then they were reaching over, hugging. “Thanks for inviting me.”

“No problem,” he cheered, “We’ll invite you out to dinner next time.”

“Am I excluded?” Eunhyuk tilted his head, mock-irritation on his face.

“You and Sungmin already go out with us. Why do you have to but in on this as well?” Donghae teased.

There was a sharp tug on Henry’s pant leg. Looking down, he saw Taemin who was staring at him with wide eyes. “Sungmin and Eunhyuk end up together?” he demanded fiercely.

Henry lifted the boy up, laughing nervously. “They didn’t end up together until much later on. The story wasn’t long enough to add that part,” he explained.

“What’s this munchkin talking about?” Eunhyuk asked, bemused.

“I was writing a story about all of us,” Henry confessed, “he started reading it the other day and now he’s a little too curious about everything.” He pinched Taemin’s cheek, watching the child fuss.

“I skimmed over the boring stuff,” Taemin chimed in, “like the stuff about Uncle Kyuhyun when he was in China. I didn’t understand most of it either,” he frowned, “it was confusing.”

All of them nodded knowingly. “That was a confusing time, kiddo,” Eunhyuk agreed, tiredly.

“I think it’s about time to head out,” Ryeowook interrupted, smiling apologetically. “I have a busy schedule of grading papers tonight,” he half-joked, “so I should get going.”

“Mm, already?” Henry said sadly, setting Taemin down. “Okay, I understand. Then we’ll see you soon.”

“Okay,” Ryeowook nodded gently, bowing his head once before walking to the door. He twisted the knob, waving one more time before disappearing.

“Who was that?” the child asked.

Henry glanced at the wondering boy and then crouched down, whispering, “That was Ryeowook.”

His face slowly lit up with understanding and then he was outright smiling. “Uncle Kyuhyun loves someone so pretty?”

“Yeah, he knows how to pick them,” Henry chuckled, taking his child’s hand, “C’mon, it’s time for bed.” Glancing over his shoulder, he waved to Eunhyuk who was settling down at the kitchen table with Donghae. It looked like the three of them weren’t going to bed anytime soon.

 

 


	28. Year-Long Gap

 

Words only go so far.

Ryeowook tossed another travel worn, unopened letter into an overflowing bin. Every morning and night, he would find himself blankly staring at them, curious as to what was written inside. But then he remembered why it shouldn’t matter what was written in them.

Those words were lies. Those feelings were false.

It seemed like everyone was like that. He glanced at the calendar, wondering when he should start applying for the abroad program. Was it even worth going?

He flopped down on his bed, closing his eyes and forcing sleep onto himself.

 

***

 

Kyuhyun looked around his single person dorm room and wondered if he was thankful or not. Even if Zhoumi was an ass, he was company. Now there was simply no one around. He stared at the pile of paper on his desk and the pen which was beginning to die from excessive writing. No matter what he did, it just wouldn’t work, would it?

Sitting down on the bay window sill, he sighed. Only a month had passed since everything ended and he couldn’t even begin to think about a lifetime without ever talking to Ryeowook again.

The bell around his neck rattled, and he wondered if the matching pair had already been thrown away.

 

***

 

Donghae jolted awake, head whipping around the room wildly. There was no one around in the early morning, nor was there even a flicker of a shadow on the pale blue pools of light staining the carpet. He bit back the pain invading his chest, and tried to shake off the bitterness.

It wasn’t like him to be so broken down. Emotions always ran rampant inside of him, but this was different. He couldn’t stop thinking about his mistakes. Were they even mistakes? He didn’t know. This was what he wanted, so why couldn’t he go even one day without hearing those words.

_Thank you for taking care of me this long. I truly appreciate it. Goodbye, hyung._

“What did you look like when you said that?” Donghae muttered, curling into himself quietly.

 

***

 

Henry stared at the school building, a queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was large and intimidating to say the least. There were no similarities to the Korean high school he had come so close to attending. Here, everyone was wrapped up in their own worlds and as he looked around at his schoolmates, he noticed the way they smiled a little too big and laughed a little too loudly.

Some kids his age greeted him upon his entry into the classroom, and just as politely, Henry spoke to them. Nothing important was said and nothing sincere could be identified.

Still, he gazed all around the room, it was better than being near that boy.

 

***

 

Eunhyuk didn’t really think anything of it. He wanted to live his own life and if everyone else was doing just that, why couldn’t he? It seemed like Ryeowook was doing fine without his support anyway and besides, it was too much work to constantly check up on the kid.

Dancing, playing music, and casually hanging out with people were much better. He didn’t need that shitty drama. It felt great to just be goofing off with some normal people who weren’t in love with each other or fucking around.

Loyalty is just a word.

This isn’t a fairytale. Eunhyuk didn’t feel up to playing the best friend anymore. He deserved some sort of happiness and damn it to hell if he didn’t get that.

 

***

 

Sungmin had tried talking to Eunhyuk about everything because as best friends they were supposed to be able to support one another, right? But whenever he did try to talk to him, the atmosphere was never serious enough, and recently, Eunhyuk had simply been too busy for anyone but his new friends.

It wasn’t like Sungmin could talk to Donghae about his problems, especially since those problems partially had to do with him. There entire group had fallen apart because of Sungmin. If had hadn’t said anything about his feelings for Donghae, then all of them couldn’t continued being happy together. Even though they were a couple and they were supposed to be happy, they weren’t. Sungmin wasn’t stupid. He could see it in Donghae’s eyes.

But…they had destroyed friendships for their relationship. What would happen if they didn’t keep trying?

 

***

 

Zhoumi had gotten everything he wanted.

Henry came back to him.

They were attending school together.

Kyuhyun broke up with that country bumpkin, Ryeowook.

And so far, Kibum was only focused on wrecking Kyuhyun’s attempts to get back together with that low-class loser. That meant he wouldn’t be trying to mess with Henry.

How much better could Zhoumi’s life get?

He didn’t even care that Henry was still probably in love with Donghae. Over time, that would change. They were never anything special to begin with, after all. He and Zhoumi made the only logical couple.

 

 


	29. Chapter 29

 

Ryeowook was scrolling through a mental list of things he had to get done. There was silence in the night as he shuffled down the front steps of Henry and Donghae’s house. In the far off distance he could almost make out the shadows of long past summer festivals. He was glad to have settled back down in his hometown and he was even happier to find that things had ended up as they all imagined.

Eunhyuk found happiness with Sungmin after college. They reconciled and things went on from there.

Donghae and Henry were already together again by the time college was starting for the latter. Adoption came soon after they both had their jobs and income.

And Ryeowook was alone. He expected something like that to happen. Well, for a long time he had expected Kyuhyun to be the one, but that hadn’t panned out.

They didn’t go to summer festival together as a group anymore. Ryeowook would listen to the excited chatter of his summer school students, though, and knew that it was still a popular event for the small town.

And other times, Eunhyuk would idly tell him about Henry and Donghae taking their kids to eat barbeque and watch the fireworks.

Ryeowook pulled into his condo parking lot, climbing out of his car. Looking up at the sky, he watched the stars fade in and out with the invading street lamps and it was one of those rare moments where memories and scents brought forth nostalgia instead of regret.

“It’s been a long time,” he sighed to himself, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.

Turning away from it, Ryeowook ascended the steps up to the front door, but slowed as he made out a small object on the welcome mat. Carefully, he knelt down, picking it up.

The letters were black and clean, following the curved lines of his name. There was no return address on the cream colored envelope. Ryeowook flipped it over, glancing over his shoulder to see if anyone was there. Heart beating fast, he squinted at the scribbled number in the corner, lips parting softly in shock.

 

_1000_

Ryeowook collapsed onto the stoop, tearing the letter open with more energy than he could ever recall having. Unfolding it, he read unblinkingly. There were only two words.

 

_I’m waiting._

 

And then he was tripping over his own feet, running headlong down the street. Ryeowook felt his chest tightening with the excursion, but it didn’t matter. There was a refreshing tempo change in his heart and he wouldn’t have given it up for anything.

Gasping for air, he swung around a corner, sprinting through a haze of pain. He weaved a path through the empty streets, old visions of stall vendors and lanterns in his peripherals. All he wanted was to get to the empty, moonlight lit road. It was hidden behind a thin curtain of vegetation, making it the perfect place to meet.

Panting heavily, he searched for the entrance through the curtain, finding it and pushing the green vines away. Ahead, instead of finding a slim, dark pathway leading up to a hidden ledge looking out on the fireworks field, he found a paved stone walkway, stretching up towards a small, circular viewing area. There was a metal railing as well now, blocking any clueless people from falling off the cliff. Ryeowook caught his breath, trying to still the pounding of his heart.

There was no one there.

Shaking his head, he looked back down at the letter, confused and scared and so many other emotions that hadn’t rattled him for years.

“Give me my second chance now.”

Ryeowook whirled around.

His shirt was pale and his pants were dark, a silver bell charm hanging from his neck. Unruly locks fluttered and twisted, but the male didn’t seem to mind. He walked slowly towards the frozen figure, stopping a few feet away. Moonlight shined down on his face, illuminating features that had haunted Ryeowook for the longest time.

“You told me 7 years ago to write you a thousand letters, and then you would give me a second chance,” Kyuhyun stated, eyes unwavering. “If you want, I can give you the other nine-hundred-something that I never mailed.”

“After all this time…really?” Ryeowook couldn’t help the faint smile. He covered his mouth, eyes twinkling with too many feelings to properly express.

The younger male smirked softly, lightly. “It takes a long time to write that many letters.”

“You didn’t want me back then though,” he blurted.

Kyuhyun’s expression fell the tiniest bit, but then he shook his head, tentatively reaching out. He stopped a few inches away, saying, “It…wasn’t like that. I want to change so many decisions I’ve made, but I can’t.”

“And now you’re trying to change our outcome too?” Ryeowook smiled sadly, “Isn’t it too late?” He clenched his hands shut trying to stop whatever tears dared to come.

“It’s not too late because we never ended,” Kyuhyun responded without missing a beat, “So long as I kept writing those letters, our promise was valid. You told me if I did this, we could have a second chance – no matter how many years passed.”

Ryeowook opened his mouth to answer, but Kyuhyun interrupted. “Well, okay, maybe I made that last part up, but you know, it takes a long time to write that much.”

And then he was laughing, unable to help but smile at the comment.

Kyuhyun grinned, gaze warm. “Are you laughing at my pain? That’s a little cheeky of you.”

“No, no, I’m not,” he shook his head, calming down. “I just never thought…well, I thought you gave up that day. I didn’t want to keep hoping…for you.”

“Stop lying,” he rolled his eyes, “you never stopped waiting for me.” Kyuhyun added in a quieter voice, “If you had, you wouldn’t have come here tonight.”

Ryeowook dropped his head, feeling defeated. “This isn’t romantic at all. I’ve imagined this moment so many times and this definitely wasn’t one of the outcomes.”

“Well maybe that’s a good thing,” Kyuhyun remarked, closing his hand around Ryeowook’s. He breathed a sigh of relief when the latter didn’t pull away. “I don’t like being predictable and if you do end up reading all one thousand letters, you’ll understand that I’ve exhausted all of my pathetic desperation.”

Ryeowook tried not to laugh again, squeezing the hand holding his. “I’ll give it to you then.”

“What?” Kyuhyun blinked, having lost focus for a moment.

“The second chance,” he replied, “I’ll give it to you.”

A smile spread his lips and then he took the other hand, entwining their fingers slowly. “I knew you would,” Kyuhyun whispered.

“You have a lot of things to explain,” Ryeowook muttered.

“Just read my letters and you’ll understand,” he shrugged, chuckling at the other’s pout. Kyuhyun leaned his head against Ryeowook’s, eyes lowering. “Did you know that Henry is writing a story about all of us?”

“Yeah, I heard a little bit about it,” he nodded slightly, the taller male’s hair tickling his forehead.

“We should go tell him the true ending. I read the one he has right now and it really sucks,” Kyuhyun smirked.

Ryeowook laughed quietly, “I don’t think we’re at our end though.” He looked up at the dark eyed man, lips curving up. “We still have a lot adventures in the future.”

“But I’m never letting you out of my sight again,” Kyuhyun stated as if it was a fact, “so no matter what future you’re thinking of, I can assure you I will never stop surprising you.” He closed the gap for the briefest of moments, letting a feather light kiss connect them. “So it is the end…sort of.”

“You won’t ever let me be right, will you?”

“Maybe later.”

 

 

 


	30. Chapter 30

The End.

 

This chapter exists because my OCD is quite terrible and I cannot end a story on the number 29. 

Sincerely,  
Pandorasv13

 


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